Happy Sunday All,
This week’s message scares the ‘bejesus’ out of me!
The ‘whispering’ last night was the word ‘honesty.’ That’s all I could hear in my mind…’Honesty,’ but on waking this morning and showering I knew it was a message more powerful than that. Vulnerability… was all I could hear; being laid bare, raw and open is the message I am to bring to you today.
I’m sweating as I write and I can feel the resistance rising within me, but as I contemplate on the word ‘Vulnerability’ and what It is I should write, I realise I risk judgment and ridicule.
Thinking of vulnerability I remembered two experiences that illustrated perfectly how our vulnerability is a powerful connector and touch others far more deeply than simply talking.
A week of two ‘Whispers’
Incident number one was with Year 11 English…
It was a Tuesday, Lesson 1…
During a quiz I sensed some tension between the groups, two in particular. This competition made me feel uneasy, as it felt more vitriolic and personal, so on Tuesday I mentioned what I’d noticed and went into one of my:
‘This is what I’ve learnt in life speeches…’
- I launched into how our differences are our beauty and that criticism is cruel and serves no purpose as we all have UNIQUE gifts and our duty is to find them and share them with the world.
- I revealed my own struggles with criticism as a child and how it’s taken too long for me to find my purpose and how now I’m deeply passionate about getting them to realise this much, much sooner than I, so they can feel fulfilled, happy and ‘right’ and stand in their power for a longer period of their lives.
- I told them that I do this job because I love being connected to the energy and the beauty and the potential I see in them all and hopefully I can help show their magnificence back to so they can connect with it. And grow in confidence and self.
Instead of being sneered at by a group of cynical 15 & 16 year-olds I noticed them start to smile, some shyly, others more openly; they sat up and sat straighter and some of them actually seemed to light up. By being my usual ‘talk tu much’ open self I had connected far more deeply than I could have hoped. We had pretty good lessons that week…
‘Whisper’ No. 2
The second incident occurred during an assembly. I had a Year 11 form class at the time (15-16 year-olds) if you’re wondering or you’re not in the UK as you read this. An age that can be particularly sneering and disparaging for many; or very painful and isolating for others. I’m a bit of a Mother Hen and like to know they have someone they can come to, but more often than not they don’t because it’s not ‘Cool,’ but I persist knowing that despite the bravado they are fearful and unsure and insecure for the most part as they ‘hatch’ and find their way in life.
I forget sometimes that I often ‘see’ what’s below the surface, all that literary analysis I guess?
One of my form pupils, a young woman, I’d noticed was always alone. She was a lovely girl. Seemed quietly self-assured yet ALWAYS alone, something told me that her aloneness was a shield and that she was ‘holding’ herself in. I somehow sensed a tension in her. So I asked her to sit next to me and just asked if she was alone through choice…
The tension that comes with holding
She began to shake…mildly at first and then the tears started silently streaming down her cheeks. We exited the hall together and sat and talked, she asked why I’d asked that question and I told her about the ‘tension’ I noticed and that I recognised it. The constant ‘holding yourself in’ for fear that you’ll fall apart if you ease up for even a second.
A shattered mirror whose frame is desperately trying to keep the broken pieces in.
I recognised that…
I revealed how and why I had been so ‘tense’ as young person a ‘hold it all together’ person constantly unsure of who or what or why I was. I got so used to the holding, that as an adult I never cried and could be very aloof.
There were a lot of tears for her but also a release and a relaxation afterwards. She was grateful and somehow more peaceful, simply because she had been ‘seen’ by someone and through my vulnerability she realised she wasn’t alone, that connection was possible, that someone cared, that she could get help if she needed it.
What I don’t want you to know about me…
You see, we’re all ‘holding’ aren’t we? Even those of us who seem care-free and open are usually ‘hiding’ some part of ourselves, some quality or experience that we feel makes us ‘less than’
What I don’t want you to know about me is that I’m tired…
Not physically tired, (though I am sometimes), but spiritually weak. I’ve tried and tried at this thing called life and I’m afraid I haven’t got it right yet as I haven’t yet created the reality for my life that I see in my visions and in my dreams and it saddens me
What I don’t want you to know about me is that I love teaching, but I know there’s more for me to be and do, more of me to share with the world and I somehow I just can’t seem make it manifest the way it is in my visions. I am doing what I know how to do, but not my passion (it once was) not my DREAM.
And yet… I also have a ‘knowing’ that the universe knows what it’s doing and that it’s all about divine timing…
That I dream of connecting with you…ordinary people like me, across the globe, through writing and seminars and speeches; pleading with you to realise faster and sooner than I, that you are AMAZING! That I dream of speaking to others at their very core and helping them to discover their truest truths their highest potential & helping them to step into it.
You see, that is our path to true happiness:
Finding your gifts and sharing them with the world.
- What I don’t want you to know about me is that I have failed. Time and time again. I have attempted to do business in so many ways, to create ‘multiple income streams’ in an effort to leave a legacy for my family.
- What I don’t want you to know about me is I have failed in relationships. I have trusted and been taken advantage of and hurt and trusted again and been ‘shafted’ with money more times than I can count and still I believe what others tell me. Trusting automatically.
- What I don’t want you to know about me is that I’ve been married (twice) only to learn some painful, deep & powerful lessons and that I’m sometimes afraid that I’m no good and that, though I hope for another partner in life & love, I’ll get it wrong if I get the chance again.
- What I don’t want you to know about me is I have tried and tried to create a vibrant lifestyle, a life full of travel and freedom and security for the next seven generations of my family.
- I dream of addressing hundreds of thousands of people, connecting them to their wonder and the best of who they are, helping them discover their beauty and joy. I dream that my children are there, in the front row and are looking up; proud to call me ‘Mum.’
Yet all I have managed to create is a reality that leaves me just one wage slip (pay check) from the street and sometimes I feel as though I’m hanging on to a cliff-side with jagged rocks and broken bottles at the bottom and all that’s keeping me from falling & being lacerated and ripped to bits by them is my fingernails.
Getting to the point
So now we come to the reason for this post. My message, the loop in my head this morning kept saying ‘honesty & vulnerability.’ I know allowing vulnerability is a powerful tool. When coaching others I have always lived by the premise that I cannot get my client to go any deeper to find their answers than I will go myself, as open as I am ready to be.
It is when I ask just that ‘right’ question, that they realise I could only know to ask if I’d been there and in that moment there’s a recognition of someone who ‘GETS THIS,’ who understands what their challenges are.
The revelation produces a deeper more powerful connection between coach and client, immense trust and so leads to some wonderful transformations.
Holding…& holding…& breaking?
I felt driven today to reach out to those of you, wherever you are who are on the planet today, who are struggling with life. My wish is to share with you and be exposed…reveal my vulnerability. It’s not some stunt or appeal for sympathy, but a genuine hope that you get that I too am ‘holding’ that we all are and that all those things I am ‘holding,’ my fears, those areas of my life I feel are less than savoury and for which I think I will be judged are also the experiences and the pain and the lessons…the gifts that enable me to share with you.
Life today is challenging and it seems particularly so, why I don’t know, but I hope today, you take my vulnerability and see within it with the message I intended.
A message for us to:
- Connect with one another.
- To just let go of the ‘tension’ for a little while.
- To still the inner voice of judgment, just for a brief moment at least
- To accept ourselves; failures, issues, foibles and all.
- To look into the eyes of a stranger, drop the façade and simply reach out and say ‘Hello… how are you today?’
- To keep on keeping on and know through these words that ‘You are not alone.’
Blissings & much love