Tag Archives: relationship

Fun and Play

Happy Sunday All,

This will probably be a brief message today as I’m writing it in between ‘Gramamma’ duties. Cherub’s asleep and I’m pretty whacked, but earlier this week I realised that my 17 week-old angel had taught me a lesson. It was a lesson in why we should hold onto our sense of fun and play.

‘But we’re adults’ you scream, not children…Children PLAY!

A Spring in your step

freedom-307791_1280Yes, indeed they do, but as I played with my cherub I re-connected with many feelings I had forgotten about and left behind in childhood and it felt good.

I realised too that after having fun and play with our bundle of joy, I felt better. Sometimes I felt renewed and refreshed sometimes more peaceful and at other times I had ideas and felt more creative.

By far and away the biggest benefit I experience and the one that is very, very, very important to me is the deeper connection that takes place when I play with her.        Through our playing together there’s an exchange of affection and love.


girls-462072_1280We dare to look directly into each other’s in eyes and share a mischief or joke, and as we do so we recognise we are connected and that we love another. I am convinced that having fun and playing could help many couples who find themselves becoming distant from the reasons they connected and committed to one another in the first place.

There is a ‘feel good’ factor and the laughter generated (I have since learnt) releases endorphins. These endorphins create that lovely. ‘gooey’ sense of well-being and according to researchers can even relieve pain temporarily.


  1. Relaxation & Improved relationships

  • Feeling an increased relaxation after fun and play is another benefit that we, in these times of stress and pressure will most definitely benefit from. I mean when was the last time you ‘REALLY’ felt relaxed after having a good old ‘belly laugh?’ or collapsed in a heap of chuckles and satisfaction in the middle of a game with a friend or your partner or colleague? How much more improved would our communication and relationships be if we gave ourselves permission to have fun and played a little more?
  1. hand-782688_1280Trust and Compassion:

  • Sharing a good laugh with someone, creates increased feelings of trust and connectedness. Not only that the increased connection means improved compassion and ease between two people, This will surely make it easier to discuss those more challenging topics when they DO come up won’t it?
  1. Deeper more effective connection:

  • The greater feelings of compassion will mean there’s an increased effort to understand and be patient with one another and this ease means you’re more likely to come up with a creative solution to any issues you have to deal with. An ideal environment to cultivate whether it be in the home or in the workplace wouldn’t you say?
  1. magic-cube-1167224_1280Creativity and increased Stimulation:

  • We know that having fun and play is vital for successful development in children. But we all (and not just children) learn better if things are ‘fun’ for us to learn. Being more relaxed and playful means we’re better able to absorb information and stimulate our imagination, which means more effective and creative problem solving.
  1. Keeps you YOUNG!

  • When I have fun and play with my granddaughter I feel renewed and less fatigued than before. This I am sure is the same for anyone, so if for no other reason, having fun and playing is like drinking from the fountain of youth. Less wrinkles, more energy and an ever youthful ‘spring in your step!’blindfolded-37705_1280

There is saying attributed to George Bernard Shaw which says:

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.’

Challenges? I’m too busy having fun!

I’m sure if I did some research I’d find a whole host of other benefits and reasons to have fun and play., but I hope that the five I’ve discovered will convince you to make time to play.

toddler-878749_1280Life has its challenges, so why not’ ‘lighten up’ and nurture your inner child. Try it! I assure you, your week, your job, you home life will be better if you inject a little more fun and play into it this week.

Why not give it a go and let me know how you get on?

What have you got to lose?

Blissings & Much love

Insightful Angel

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Love YOU

Happy Sunday All,

When I started writing this blog over a year ago now, my reasons were simple ones to help someone, anyone, even just ONE person who may be at that moment in their life facing a challenge that MY experiences could shed some light on and to write.

I simply wanted my learning from life to support others if it could.

Love thyself

A fortnight ago a friend and I were talking and she said that I needed a ‘core’ idea or message. I hadn’t though about that before and it got me considering what that might be. It took a few days, but I realised that my message is, at its core is one of

Love is a Fruit“SELF-LOVE”

My mission, I now realise is to help as many people as possible o find their way to loving themselves.

My message is always:

‘Love YOU’

 The theme ‘Love YOU’ then showed up in three distinct ways (you know they say everything comes in threes, well it did) over the last week or so:

  1. The question from my friend
  2. A conversation with a filmmaker
  3. A christening

Conversation with a filmmaker:

whisper-408482_1280The message Love YOU continued into last week when I had an online chat with a filmmaker who had produced a film about love. Rather than it being about romantic love and the external expression of love towards someone else, his message is to love YOU as the path to your salvation, redemption and potential. It seemed as he said to me ‘We were on the same page.’

Whilst talking with him I realised that one of the major factors that made me decide to commit my message to paper was because it broke my heart as an educator to see so many young people; people who should be carefree, vibrant and fearless, so consumed with ‘getting things wrong’ afraid to even try, convinced they were no good.

The result of such thinking is of course to compensate for the feelings of inadequacy and lack of confidence with bravado and boastfulness with ‘overdoing.’ These shallow and often angry expressions of a fake confidence, this overdoing, mask a deep-seated insecurity and I believe a deep-seated cry for love, attention and affection.

But they won’t find it fighting the world outside!

We’ve all seen them: Young people (and many adults) calling each other names speaking aggressively, putting others down and ridiculing others in a vain attempt to find some feelings of worth, becoming caricatures of wo/manhood.

aggression-657087_1280These caricatures bully and shout or are hyper-sexual or over-made-up. They make vain attempts to feel ‘excitement’ to mask and push down the lack of love for themselves that rears up if they are still for too long. This ‘excitement’ takes the form of violence, drug use, sexual activity and living vicariously in fantasy worlds through the use of technology, anything but face themselves in THIS word.

In their attempts to leave childhood and the unworthiness  attached to it, in their desire to ‘grow up,’ Their behaviour causes them to turn against each other as they lack the maturity and self-worth to communicate their needs, wants & feelings in a responsible & respectful way. These outbursts are in my mind, clear indications of Feeling unworthy…

Feelings powerless…

Feeling unloved

Not able to Love (who they are).

A christening & balloon chasing

toddler-878749_1280Little Ava is a powerhouse. She’s lively, intelligent, articulate, vibrant & self-assured and last Sunday it was clear she had a ball. Last Sunday little Ava was christened. As I watched her and the other ‘little children’ (0-6ish) I saw how beautiful it is when you love YOU.

These children don’t care what others think.

They are quite clear what they want and need and are happy to express it. They understand on some cellular level that they are worthy, as worthy as the next and have every right to:

  • Dance when they want to dance, no matter who’s watching,
  • Eat when they’re hungry,
  • Chase balloons when they feel inspired and
  • Sit in the dirt if that’s what they feel like doing no matter if any one cares or is looking.

They need no-ones approval; their self-worth and value is not decided by others, it comes from within…

Self-love is a given, so automatic it’s not even thought about. It simply is…

love-229977_150As I watched and smiled at how free they are and actually how loving to themselves and others, It confirmed to me:

We are all born in love…

We are born loving ourselves…

You were born to Love YOU

 Arrogance & Humility

I know what you’re going to say. I know someone who loves him/herself and they’re pretty arrogant, but arrogance is simply another display of a lack of self-love.

A display of arrogance is always trying to feel superior. In so doing you show that you’re really insecure, as true self-assurance doesn’t need another to push against to feel valued or worthy.

For example, the next time you do create or achieve or do something you’re proud of, instead of playing it down and adopting the false modesty that we’ve been trained to else we come across as arrogant of boastful, congratulate yourself.

DancingBy being ‘humble’ and dismissing our achievements are we not unconsciously asking for more recognition as others, then say ’Oh and s/he’s so humble too?’ The focus is still on us. Instead we should have confidence in and love for ourselves enough to graciously say ‘thank you,’ should praise come but still in LOVE with who we are and what we do not needing it regardless.

Be proud of what you’ve achieved after all you put the work in. give yourself and internal pat on the back and allow yourself to enjoy the feeling of achievement As long as your thoughts or celebrations are in no way causing upset or harm to anyone else then why should you be denied them?

At the end of the week, I congratulated a friend on something he’d visualised and had worked hard to achieve and which now it seemed to be coming to fruition. I was so proud of him and the work he’s tirelessly put in to reach his goal. I heard the hesitation in his voice as he said: “Yeah I’m quite proud of myself” and why shouldn’t he be? I was truly happy for him, but my feelings should not matter to him if he is in love with himself.

Baby Steps

Sister DanceAfter years of self-criticism and doubt it is a daunting prospect for so many of us to think we can get back to (I say ‘back to’ because remember the children, we all started in love) a place where inside there is no doubt that you love YOU, but you can.

Baby steps lovelies…

It starts with your thinking, as does anything…

You see love…

  • Cannot harm
  • Does not belittle
  • Does not exist if another is made to feel inferior
  • Does not criticise
  • Is not painful
  • Does not need others to be/do/like us to feel worthy
  • Cannot thrive where there is anger
  • Cannot survive is there is fear
  • Is always INCLUSIVE
  • Always feels good
  • Uplifts and supports
  • Unifies
  • Starts with the SELF

Journey back to love

Love-is-an-unconditional-commitmentforest-249029_150It occurred to me then, that we CAN journey back to self-love simply, through one thought at a time. Simply recognising and celebrating our successes, even if out of shyness you just think it for now.

One thought, then another, then another and slowly you begin to change your attitude to yourself. You begin to commit to yourself unconditionally.

You go from:

  • Criticism to consideration
  • Being Needy to self-belief
  • From denial to acceptance of your needs, allowing yourself to feel then and allow them to be satisfied.
  • Manipulation to motivation
  • Bullying to bravery enough to say ‘sorry’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘well done.’ Even when someone is attempting to get where you want to go and you’re not quite there yet.

When we celebrate and love ourselves, it doesn’t matter to us what others think or feel about where we want to go or what we want to make, do or be and we automatically understand and accept the right for others to love and respect themselves too.


buddha-169511_1280In Yoga we end each session by bowing and saying ‘Namaste.’ It means:

“The god in me honours the god in You”

You see it tells us that we are all one, from the same core and as such should recognise that love/god is in each of us.

It is only when you begin to recognise the Love in you and love YOU that you can then truly ‘see’ and recognise the Love/god in others and then accept or allow love FROM others.

If you do not love YOU, then you will always (sooner or later) reject and doubt the love, praise, support others want to give you. In your mind’s eye you will decide there is something very wrong with them if they love you because after all aren’t you un-loveable/unworthy?

When you reject your achievements, when you play down your acts of kindness, when you reject support or love, if you can’t look yourself in the mirror and truly love what you see then you are rejecting your essence. Rejecting the GOD in you.

How then can you hope to find peace or love or true happiness?

I doesn’t matter if you call it ‘being independent,’ ‘being modest’ or if you are ‘not wanting/needing charity’ or think you’ll be seen as ‘arrogant or ‘full of yourself’ or you find some other excuse like ‘your aged parents’ or ‘your children’ or ‘distance’ or whatever other excuse you can come up with to reject love or attention or success or praise. If this is what you’re doing it’s because you’re in fear and need to work on loving YOU.

coast-631925_1280The City of ‘Self-Love’ is the destination for the journey we are all making, and every journey starts with a single step.

Start today so you get there in the shortest time possible.

Take your example from our babies and just enjoy being you.

Think well of YOU allow the goodness and joy and love that comes to you, so it can flow through you and enjoy all that being you involves.

Be kind to YOU,

Speak gently and softly to YOU,

Love YOU



Insightful Angel

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The Family – University of Life

Happy Sunday All

This week I have been loving my connection with family. Now when I say family we have two. We have those we were born into and the family that we choose as we go through life. This week the clear message has been that our families are ‘Our University of Life.’

Jilly Cooper - Love your familyNow this post will be quickie as I have a family christening to attend later this morning. Another lovely opportunity to learn and I’m buzzed. Family is important to me, but the family connection and dynamic I’ve envisaged most of my life hasn’t always been present. This is perhaps true for many of you?

I’m sure we all have an ideal (sometimes one often given to us by the media and books) and idealised view of how we’d like our mother, father or siblings to be and behave, how we’d like to feel within the bosom of the family when we come together, but for some we spend our time nonplussed: ‘why this?’ and ‘why that?’

As you may have noticed, I am a reflector. An observer. I have always asked why this and why that both of myself and others and what I’ve come to realise about family is that it truly is the best learning environment for those of us who are seekers & questioner.

Reflections & Mirrors

flower-658687_1280 We all (well many of us do) have that one brother, sister, cousin, aunt or uncle; maybe it’s your mother or father, but there is often one person in you immediate or extended family that gives you that ‘NYJA’ feeling. Who twist up your insides and make you cross or annoyed, piqued or frustrated, yet when it happens you decide every time it’s not worth it and instead of asserting yourself you stay cross and smother the feeling.

In this circumstance you need to consider if it actually is THEY that are the issue or is it YOU?

You see, it’s not the other person and their actions where the learning comes from, but our reaction to it!

On consideration…

When those resentful feelings occur or those critical thoughts they mean one of two things

  1. This person is reflecting a trait within you that you are not dealing with
  2. Or they are reflecting a quality or trait that you can think about and choose not clear or reject?

I would suggest that if you have the ‘njya’ feeling when you meet or spend time in the company of the other person and you’re feeling negative in some way about them and or their behaviour/attitude then it’s more likely that the family university is showing you a quality within you need to deal with. “But I’m not like that!” I hear you scream,

…but perhaps it’s not in the way you think

Example: Anger

enraged-804311_1280You have one person who is rather quick to take offence and react or overreact to family situations. They maybe sulk and snap at everyone blaming and complaining or maybe they explode and terrify the gathering through intimidation. You find this really annoying and it ‘gets under your skin’ every time.

This does not mean you are like them, however, such a powerful reaction in you indicates that perhaps there is some unresolved anger within YOU that you need to deal with?

They are mirroring this back to you.

swan-293157_1280In the same situation your sister or brother or cousin or whoever has a very different reaction as you complain to them (stating how shocking so and so is being and how can they do this and etc., etc). They are much calmer than you more philosophical in their response than you are, saying ‘Or poor so and so, it’s so hard for them,’ or something similar. You find this even more irritating because you wanted them to support and agree with you and our feelings about the other person. How can they condone this when Mr/Ms Angry is terrorising the family?

Ying & Yang

The two reactions to the same situation illustrate the point I’m making.

yin-and-yang-145874_150Their reaction is calm and reflective. They see the angry family member as having qualities they have rejected, never had and continue to reject or have dealt with in a healthy way. They decided some time ago, somewhere in their subconscious that a violent or aggressive expression of anger is not something that they have within them or choose to have, so it’s simply something they can see and let go; they can objectively see it and sympathise with the pain that is nearly always the root of anger and angry outbursts.

Your reaction, because it creates a physical response within you is reflecting that you either haven’t dealt with your own anger or that you’re ignoring it, pretending you’re ‘not an angry person.’ and denying yourself a healthy expression of the anger we all must experience at some point.

Two interpretations:

  1. A conscious acknowledgment or a rejection.
  2. An acceptance or blind spot


Three blessings!In the family university of life our children are often our biggest, most painful or most joyous lessons. Many texts I have read, say the energy and personalities of our children often show the energy and nature of the relationship between the parents at the time of their conception.

Similarly, as they grow, they reflect and mirror characteristics and qualities within yourself to look at and resolve.

When you observe your children what do their character and behaviours say about your relationship with your spouse or if you’re a single parent about your relationship with yourself? Your reaction to them will tell you.

  • Do you Love their characteristics and support them – are they mirroring the ‘good’ in you?
  • Do you resent some particular trait and as such are they mirroring something you need to deal with within yourself?
  • Or are they illustrating something you are ‘blind’ to and failing to acknowledge exists within you? If you realise you have this ‘flaw’ or characteristic, how will you then choose to ‘be’ in regard to it? Resentful meaning it’s not resolved or Accepting and loving yourself regardless but aware of it and working with and through it?

In Closing

buddha-708490_1280Well, it’s time for me to say ‘adieu’ and hope that today’s message has given you food for thought, but more importantly, shed light on why we react the way that we do.

When we observe our reaction(s) to the behaviours of our family, children and  friends, when we sit up straight and pay attention in lectures provided by The Family University of life we are given opportunities, another day and another chance to ‘Choose who we want to be!’


Blissings & much love

Insightful Angel

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Loving the skin you’re in


Happy Sunday All,

i-am-429698_1280Today I’d like to discuss with you, something which I may have touched on in a previous blog, but which seems to have been the theme of my week. I’d like, right here and now to get you to really begin to

‘love the skin you’re in.’

You see, too many of us don’t.

I often hear people I know and love commenting on the features or qualities they dislike about themselves or bemoaning the fact that they don’t have a particular talent. When we don’t accept ourselves, when we allow the ‘inner critic’ to constantly berate us how can we possibly access the goodness, abundance, the joy the peace and love we all want in hearts?

hands-423794_1280Mahatma said: ‘Be the change you wish to see…’ Michael Jackson said ‘He’s looking at the man in the mirror, ’ so anything we want to achieve, have or change starts with US.

The start begins in your mind and the things you say to yourself. We cannot hope to be our best, achieve abundance or business success if our mind-talk is perpetually reinforcing our insecurities.

Isn’t It Ironic…Don’t you think?

The very features or qualities you bemoan or have learnt to dislike can turn out to be your biggest and best asset and yet you’ve spent most of your time not appreciating it. I’ll give you an example:

Yesterday after yoga a fellow Yogi came up to me and said I had the most fabulous arms!

My Arms… Really? You’ve got to be kidding?

You see my sisters and I have muscular arms and have, over the years commented on this fact. It’s a feature I have often wished was more sleek and feminine. I have seen my arms as making me look more male and often thought they were too muscular, yet here was a woman telling me how beautiful they were to her. My Yoga teacher agreed too.

A feature that has always been a slight embarrassment to me was being applauded and commented on as being admirable.

From serious flaw to greatest asset

Elsa-FrozenAnother example is my voice…

When I was younger criticism led me to believe my voice and what I had to say was either a nuisance, inappropriate or too much. So I spent many years believing I should ‘Shut up.’

Yet, in my teens and twenties I discovered I could sing and in my thirties and forties and now into my fifties the desire to use my voice (speaking, writing) to uplift and support others has become irresistible and is now one of the talents I receive my most positive responses to.

Another instance.

My daughter’s birth-mark (on her neck) was a source of upset for her. She begged and pleaded to have it removed all through her childhood. She hid it whenever possible and because of it was insecure. I insisted that it made her unique, I refused to give in to her pleas. I told her that one day she would love it and be proud of it. Today she acknowledges that it separates her from the ‘crowd’ and actually enhances her beauty. She no longer covers it up.

Your greatest flaw can turn out to be your greatest gift…. but only if you accept yourself just as you are.

Like poor Elsa in ‘Frozen’ she has come to realise that the thing she believed she should dislike about herself is the thing that enhances her uniqueness. I’m sure we all remember Jennifer Grey of ‘Dirty Dancing’ fame, but what happened to her star and it’s rise after she messed with her nose?

Her internal critic obviously had one particular point of view, yet her nose was the very feature that made her cute and gave hr face the form that made her believable as ‘baby.’ It contributed to her a achieving the success she had no doubt spent a long time working on.

Without it she lost it

Comparison the devil in disguise

elphaba, the wicked witch of the westIt seems to me that the problem starts when we look outside of ourselves. When we begin to make comparisons. When we compare ourselves we invariably find ourselves lacking in some way and then instead of thinking ‘well It would be lovely if this, that or the other were better, BUT I have this and this talent and this quality that I admire and love about myself,’ we obsess over the one or two things that we see as inferior,

But inferior to what?

In the main we are comparing ourselves to manufactured ideals that bear little resemblance to the qualities of real people and when you look at it, really examine what we are capable of as a species you see we’re pretty damned amazing and achieve some phenomenal things when we get out of our own way and just get on with the business of living our best lives.

Children know the secret

Very rarely do you come across a toddler or baby that worries that they’re not good enough. How much joy do we get on social media from seeing children just full of fun and laughter, dancing for no reason or singing and simply being…

DancingThere’s recognition of something that we know we’ve lost, but are afraid to admit. I mean who the hell made up the rule that as adults we need to be ‘sensible?’ that we shouldn’t dance or sing with joy, that we shouldn’t believe in magic and dreams and completely believe ANYTHING is possible?

How well are you looking after yourself when you criticise and berate yourself?

Instead of sending the focus of your positive affirmations outside and onto others, appreciating their qualities and talents, you would be better to create a more positive mind-set within yourself and around who YOU are.

Like attracts Like

If you have a desire for success, whatever that looks like to you, how can you create this success if at the same time your mind talk  and constant criticism indicates that you’re undeserving?

To create success, whatever that may look like, you need positivity. A healthy nurturing mindset and context into which the success can appear. This is why there are still wealthy people who are unhappy, super rich and talented sports people who are depressed, super-slim and beautiful women who are suicidal.

Despite having ‘IT ALL’ as we are brainwashed into thinking, they are obviously still discouraging themselves and feeling unworthy because of their inner critic. This creating a toxic and depressing inner world and leads to external symptoms of insecurity and self-loathing.

buddha-562033_1280This is what you’re doing to yourself when you tell yourself you’re unworthy or wrong or just ‘toooo…’

The skin you’re in is unique.

You are the only ‘you’ there is.

You have a set of gifts and features that are a unique and special combination and are found only in you, so rare that the odds are millions, probably trillions to one that that same combination will be found elsewhere.

I don’t know about you, but if I found something that rare, my tendency would be to cherish it, care for it and make sure it as well looked after. I would want it to know every day how beautiful and rare I thought it was.

This is how you should speak to yourself!

Unique NOT the freak

fractal spiritWhen you speak positively to yourself, when you focus on your talents and gifts, when you appreciate your creativity, kindness or the myriad  of other features all positive and that YOU bring to the world,  you to develop a mind-set and thought process that is positive. A mind-set that uplifts and believes in you, a mind-set that is focused on creating SUCCESS.

For this week, When you find yourself criticising yourself (you know those thoughts that start with ‘I wish I…) make a deliberate effort to think about the talents and skills or features you have that you LIKE about yourself, the things that make you unique, that confirm that you’re one in a million.

Practise… and soon you’ll be smiling. You may even find yourself, like the toddler dancing with joy for no reason.

Pretty soon, you’ll find that you are indeed:

Loving the skin you’re in!

A Space to B… Appreciate the uniqueness of YOU..

Blissings & much Love

Insightful Angel










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A Father is…

Happy Sunday ALL,

No-one can escape that today is father’s day in the UK.

So we’re paying tribute to the men the ‘good’ fathers who stoically and more often than not silently, get on with the business of being ‘DAD.’

hands-407388_1280Billy Graham said:

A Good father is one of the most unsung, un-praised, unnoticed and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.’

I think, if you’ve been paying attention over the last couple of weeks you’ll know that I agree with him wholeheartedly.

This post is dedicated to the ‘Dads’ who, in the absence of a father in my formative years, have become a model to me in my latter ones of what it is to be a father.

So to:  The Richard Smiths, the Lee Arnolds, Peter Brodericks, Sam Leighes, ‘Christafaris’ – Chris ‘Piano man’ Camerons, Deane Tomlins, Minton Goodisons, Tony Barzeys , Bjorn Foxes, Dan Sherriffes, David Taylors, De-Napoli Clarkes, Derrick Armstrongs, Gary Grants… to any I have not mentioned accept my apologies.

DadWhat is a father…

From those wonderful men mentioned before I have come to learn that a father is:

A champion

A Gladiator who satisfies his innocent offspring’s deepest need for protection.

The fiercest advocate, who fights for his child’s right to be.

Is in love…

With the wonder of his offspring though finding the words to express, may oftentimes be the hardest thing to do.

But it’s there…

A deep gut-wrenching ache of admiration he gets on those increasing rare times that his child acknowledges how much he means to them.


In his adoration

He is his son’s first hero and teacher the man you look up to no matter that you now tower above him.

father-445096_1280He is his daughter’s guardian and the man from whom she learns how to love and be loved.

He embodies the ideas and the respect she should expect from the man who will replace him.

The perfect example of how she should be cherished nurtured and cared for.

He picks you up when you fall and let’s you know you’re OK

He makes the world safe

The one who’s approval you seek because you know he holds you to standards that are superior, that he wants you to be better than even he.

Is a gift and his greatest gift to you is…

to teach you how to live without him, that way he knows not matter what

You’ll be OK

A Good man

Your DAD.

To those wonderful Dads out there

Blissings & Much love 

Insightful Angel

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Fathers & Sons

Happy Sunday All,

Firstly, thank you for the overwhelming response to last week’s blog post. It’s fairly obvious that this week I am of course going to give some comment on my thoughts of the impact it has when fathers abandon their sons.

As usual my wish is that there is some learning and insight gained from my commentary so that we can help those coming to adulthood behind us with the lessons we’ve learnt and that they can gain insights far earlier than we did.

Two choices…

friends-52662_150Perhaps the greatest damage done to our society is when fathers abandon their sons. You see, we daughters have our issues and with them come the problems I outlined last week, but more often than not we still have some form of template that we can learn from, model ourselves on (or reject), in the form of our mothers; But for the abandoned sons more often than not they are left with two, often unsatisfactory choices.

  1. Relating & connecting to the ‘feminine’ essence and
  2. A painful search for some form of male image that they can relate to and model their male image on.

I say painful, because more often they are searching blind. They sense that they think, feel express and work very differently than the women who are the dominant force in their lives, yet have no idea what or how the ‘correct way’ for them to be, think, express and do may be.

Wrong, wrong and wrong again…

sad-72216_150Imagine the pain of feeling that you are perpetually ‘wrong.’ This isn’t by design you understand, but their mothers, sisters and Aunts are expressing and relating in ‘female’ ways and contexts. The boy child is expected to comply with this way of communicating and expressing. If he is particularly ‘male’ he could be chastised and criticised for this ‘maleness’ or else, to seek approval, he may well adapt his more natural mannerisms and instincts to express in a more ‘feminine’ way. Confusion and possibly repressed anger are a result of feeling ‘wrong’ or of thinking he has to suppress his natural  maleness.

If the dominant carer of an abandoned son is (usually this is the case) his mother and she feels particularly hurt or aggrieved by the actions of the child’s absent father, she may take her frustrations out on the son; especially if this son has mannerisms and traits like his father and ‘whoah betide him’ if he looks just like him!

In this situation the abandoned son can:

  1. Develop Self-Loathing, which he will mask by suppressing it. He will become outwardly compliant, but in reality loathing the feminine. As he grows and encounters other women in a romantic context he can develop into yet another who abandons. Rejecting the feminine essence and with no real idea how to connect to it, he fears yet another rejection and so leaves; perpetuating the cycle (for his own children) and avoiding the pain of his mother’s rejection that he never dealt with. This is the serial procreator Lurching form one woman to another because in reality he craves love and affection, but his fear of being deserted is the primary driver, so he connects, procreates and when the reality and responsibility of being a partner & father kick in he leaves. By the way… his ‘leaving’ can take the form of creating some form of upset in the relationship so he has an ‘excuse’ to leave. After all this is a ‘boy’ who doesn’t like who he is so in his mind it’s ‘YOUR’ fault why he has had to leave.
  2. madness-227958_150Become Cruel and Aggressive, as he has no idea how to express or deal with the pain his father’s abandonment created. In his own romantic relationships he may become an abuser. It is my contention that behind every act of anger or aggressions is a deep-seated pain that has not been faced and dealt with, but I understand that finding sympathy and compassion for someone, you’re being battered by your male partner, is nigh on impossible. His aggression is towards the father or indeed towards the mother who he blames for the father’s leaving. If this is the case he is more likely to have an intense dislike of women.
  3. Adopt a more Feminine way of expressing (I don’t mean he becomes an ‘effeminate’ male), but he may become the more passive responder in his adult relations with women, as he has learnt that this is the ‘appropriate’ way to respond. When he responded this way as a child he gained the approval and recognition and so this became his norm. This is fine is he encounters a more naturally ‘male’ responding female partner, but if not, he may find himself alone and rejected many times as women see him as not ‘man’ enough as he fails to be decisive and take the ‘lead’ in relationship dynamics or he may find himself dominated and manipulated by a more ‘male oriented’ female who is afraid of her own femininity, as being female represented some form of threat when she was growing up, so she adopted a more male form of expression.
  4. He will seek a template of ‘maleness’ from the only sources available to him outside of the home. This is invariably with other (abandoned) men who are just a blind and just as lost. For them the model of what it is to be male becomes the imagery created via the media or the ‘Supermales’ that they see in their culture or environment.

The ‘Supermales’

biceps-159681_150These ‘Supermales’ are particularly ‘alpha’ in their expression. They express their masculinity through stereotypical/cartoon ‘male’ activities) drinking & fighting & (often) criminality and like the boys who now mimic them, have gained their idea of what it is to be a man from the media or ‘streetlife.’ It’s only when this way of life causes them severe emotional and often physical pain that these men realise that this isn’t what being a man means and begin to make changes. Others never do and end up abandoned yet again by men (So called ‘friends’ who don’t know how to stay) when this life leads them into serious trouble.

Paternity – The need for ‘My’ Son

baby-22194_1280One thing I have observed in life is that men NEED to know their children are theirs. There is a pathological need for their offspring to have their genetic code and a burning desire to KNOW  that they are reproducing themselves in their own image.

The Step-Father can cause even greater and more deep-seated pain as he initially offers some hope and relief to the abandoned son who needs and wants someone to model himself on, but if this man is resentful of having to raise another man’s children he can become abusive, both physically and emotionally.

Imagine therefore the abuse and rejection that can occur for an abandoned son, who then has a to contend with a Step-Father who again abandons him emotionally and resents him physically.

The Manipulator & the Cuckoo

Stepping up to life can be fearful...What's next?

He manipulates the mother and her need for security (and her own issues with abandonment) through her children. He knows they’re here to stay but his resentment takes the form of taunting and bullying and favouring any children of his own that he may have with the son’s mother. The twice abandoned child feels like the Cuckoo in the nest instead of a part of the unit and this can lead to him again rejecting his male expression, not knowing how to express at all, as he was chastised for simply existing, or indeed deepening his resentment of his mother (for bringing the man into the home in the first place) and later other women.

Like the abandoned son, the twice rejected son will often resort to relating in one of the ways outlined before or may be even more adamant that he will be a ‘perfect’ example of manhood. However the template he was given was a 2-D template, so he clings to an idealised version of what manhood and fatherhood mean (simply an opposite one to the one he knew) and measures himself by unrealistically high ideals. Often he will refuse to ‘abandon’ as he sees it despite his situation being dysfunctional in a desire to prove to himself ‘I’M NOT LIKE THEM!’

Creating sons – in whose image?

fathers-day-761351_1280For the abandoned and twice rejected sons the path to manhood is excruciatingly painful. If you are a Father or Step-Father or about to become a Father carefully consider the template you are providing for your boy child.

If you abandon your son how does he learn that being a man means not only being a protector and provider, but also being someone who is adult enough to know that if his children are to have successful lives and relationships that he has to model this for them?

Real men

Your sons need to see you involved in loving interaction if they are to re-create it in their own romantic relationships. They need to see open and honest discussion and see mutually respectful discussions take place between you and their mother or your female ‘other.’

father-son-172349_1280You need to model for them that both parents deserve to have their needs met and that it is vital for both to be emotionally stable. You need to show them that ‘real’ men are neither bullies, nor martyrs.

You need to show them that real men cry and real men are secure enough to allow others to be themselves too. Real men are sometimes afraid, but real men act despite their fear.

Dedicated to the ‘Real men.’ I know

Blissings & Much love

Insightful Angel

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Happy Sunday All,


You probably know that I write about the things I’ve learned on my journey and share with you because I hope that what I’ve learned will help you on your journey in some way.

What I choose to write about often comes instantly or there’s a theme that repeats itself in the conversations I have or overhear, or the information or articles I read.

As I went through my week one word kept re-appearing: ‘Commitment.’

It came up both a topic in my life but also in the conversations I have heard others having about their own. As I mused about the nature of the word and what it means it occurred to me that it’s a state we often say we’re prepared to enter into, but what does ‘Commitment’ really mean?

 The dictionary defines Commitment as:

  1. A willingness to give your time and energy to something that you believe in or a promise or firm decision to do something  OR
  2. Something that you must do or deal with that takes your time

When we commit to something or someone it means there is an expectation…

Commitment- After the mood has left youWhat you’re doing is making a promise, a promise to consistently and continuously spend energy. You’re saying that you believe in the project, or person or relationship and that you’re prepared to put in the time and the energy to see it through to the end; to realise the vision of the project, or relationship that you subscribed to.

How often though, do we commit in words and yet our actions fail to back them up?

 Commitment & Love:Commitment - Lincoln

With anything we want, whether it’s something we’d like to create, achieve or do means that invariably we create a vision beforehand. Most of us have an idea or an outcome in mind. Yet, more often than not we say we’re committed whilst in the feelings that go with creating the vision.

What we’re actually committing to is the feelings we’re experiencing whilst in the vision/creation stage, or else we’re committing to the feelings we anticipate we’ll feel once we achieve our desired outcome.

It’s pretty obvious that so many of us ignore the fact that we’re happy to sit in the space of Intention.’ The feel-good’ stage, but are less ready for the ‘focus’ and ‘plan of action’ needed to follow through and make our promises real?

I DO…Marriage - Commitment

Pledging a commitment is most identifiable in our society in the institution of marriage, yet our divorce statistics, show we are as likely to fail in this commitment as succeed, telling us clearly that even when we legalise and notarise our commitments and state them in front of those nearest and dearest to us, we are still not able to keep our commitments.

Why is this the case?


Someone dear to you, you agree you love each other…in fact, you’ve said it to each other many times, you accept you are ‘committed’ to one another.

They know your favourite fruit is Pineapple and so they tell you they’re going to get up early the next day, go to the market and buy you the freshest, juiciest pineapple they can find and bring it to you because you mean something to them. Your relationship is important to them, they’re committed to you and your happiness and so they want to see you have the things you like and deserve.

Now imagine…

This very same person misses the first day. They wake up late and tell you not to worry they’ll go tomorrow. They’re just as enthusiastic, they intend to go, you mean so much to them and they really want to do this for you and show you how much they love you. You do know that they love you don’t you?

But the next day they sleep in too…and the next…and the next…and then they’ve got other things to do…other people to see…but they WILL do it, they just can’t right now.

There’s time…

Be patient…

But you know they love you… don’t you?

And so on

The Pineapple bringer:pineapple-382097_1280

They lack devotion to their promise, they’re unwilling to give time and energy to seeing their promise through, There’s a dis-connection between what they say they want and what they’re prepared to do to get it.

  • They lack Authenticity
  • Their commitment is simply ‘Lip service!’ without the focus and devotion to achieving the result.

 The Pineapple receiver:

pineapple-382097_1280Despite wanting desperately to continue to believe in the Pineapple bringer and to take them at their word; after countless disappointments they have to admit they are committed…The Pineapple bringer is not.

They have no choice…

They lose faith…

And eventually…

They stop believing…

 So which one are you?

What makes romantic love so wonderful is the intimacy it creates between you and your chosen partner. You feel valued, supported, accepted and embraced.

But Intimacy evokes a powerful mix of emotions. Intimacy brings you together, you feel empowered, you develop closeness and allow yourself to be vulnerable, but being vulnerable can mean you’re at the mercy of the whims, moods and opinions of the one you love.

Are you the Pineapple Giver

Whose dismissiveness (lack of time investment) i.e. rejection & inability to devote your time and energy to the promise you made creates deep-rooted hurt?

Do you criticise, become defensive or attack when your partner (nervously) reminds you of the promise you made, or do you retreat, emotionally withdraw or simply ‘check out,’ invalidating and rejecting your partner creating deep, painful wounds?

Or are you the Pineapple Receiver

Who decided in the beginning that you were prepared to find the time, energy & and devotion. That you will carry out the plan and achieve the outcome you both seemed to want. Whose consistent and persistent disappointment & rejection (no time investment, needs negated or dismissed – other things/people always come first), has made you so unhappy and so tired you can no longer be ‘patient.’ And you wonder if your patience is actually voluntary slavery in disguise.

Or are you enduring an unhappy state, not ready to give up just yet, your commitment blindly causing you to cling to something that’s dead out of a commitment now, not to the relationship, but to ‘how it looks’ or because you’re ‘used to it.’ And it’s less scary than what you see as the alternative or to ‘the children?’

Choose to…

its-your-choiceWhatever state you’re in, whichever one you are…you know and deep down you know that nothing changes unless you make a choice.

  • Choose to – Commit to the process of your relationship?
  • Choose today, to commit to the promises you made when you uttered those three little words
  • Imagine if we committed to working on and devoting ourselves to maintaining our levels of emotional intimacy as well as and learning what it is we had to do to support that process?
  • Choose to – Prioritise your intimate relationship by actually valuing the relationship over the less important things that we use as an excuse to delay or allow to get in the way?
  • Choose to – Make time to spend private time together, re-acquaint yourself with one another regularly
  • Choose to – Listen to and support each others’ needs. Try not to reject when your partner needs/wants to talk to you, assuming the worst or that it will inevitably be a confrontational exchange. Sometimes all we need is for the person who means the most to us to just listen.
  • Choose to – Change your thoughts instead of seeing the feelings and outcomes as the goal, remember it’s the devotion to the process that’s where the joy is found.
  • Choose to – Change your life to one in which you focus on the quality of experience and the flow of life
  • Choose to change if you know that your Joy is elsewhere. If it’s obvious that your commitment is futile as the ‘other’ has left the building… It is you and you alone who can free yourself to find it.

Be authentic!

2014-07-19 18.27.07The next time you are on the verge of saying something to another person, your boss, yourself that means you’re making a promise or commitment remember what it is you’re doing…Remember that it means to ‘Give time,’ to Give energy’ and make that promise only if you’re prepared to focus on the consistent action and devotion that your ‘promise’ will need to create your vision.

If you don’t want to do the work, then out of respect…

Leave well alone!

 Blissings & Much Love

Insightful Angel 







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Showing up!

Happy Sunday All,

Showing up!

This week’s been another hum dinger! But one that seemed to have a theme: Showing up…How do you do it?

Breaking up…Making up?

On Friday evening a friend broke up with the man she was dating. No, no, it’s cool, they are of an age now where there’s no need for the screaming and hysteria.

Don’t get me wrong there was still the hurt, the regret and the upset feelings. The self assessment, the why can’t I get this ‘love’ thing right?’  down the phone, some blame too as well as the usual navel gazing.heart-297313_150

I know they’ll both unpack this later and have one or two, or several lightbulb moments, but for now it’s over and they need to learn how to move on in a healthy way.

However, she confessed that during the now common ‘social media’ exchanges; (that’s another thing. I’m old school…what happened to face-to face or the goddamned telephone?) Anyway, I digress!

Who’s to blame?

you-151415_150During their exchanges he mentioned that he suspected she was, like all the women in his experience, ‘flaky’ and that he had been ‘holding back.’

Whether it’s because that’s true or not, or whether that’s his way of masking his hurt and insecurity only time and reflection will tell.

What he said, though brought to mind something I was told years ago; a phrase which had resonated and had always stayed with me. Let me ask you a question…

What percentage of your relationship(s) is your responsibility? 25%? 50% 75%…

The answer is: YOU are 100% responsible for your relationship(s)!

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda!

We all know that the only thing we can control is ourselves; our own thoughts and feelings, our behaviour, but how many of us are in relationships where we insist the ‘other’ ‘should do this,’ ‘could have done that.’ or we critique with ‘I would have done this/that?.’

How many of us are in marriages, romantic relationships, friendships, relationships with colleagues, 2011-06-18 21.07.00siblings, and employers and feel that they are responsible for our lack of complete commitment?

That the things that are going wrong are due to their behaviour?

As a result we feel we are justified in moaning and complaining.

We defend our position and justify our unprofessional attitude, even though we are not fulfilling our duties, not honouring the contracts we signed.

pie-chart-154411_150We coast…offering only 30/60/75% of our talents and our expertise.

We defend our right to be upset even though we can’t remember the last time we volunteered affection, gave a loving  touch or planned a romantic or spontaneous date with our partner.

I’m sure we’d all have something to say if our bosses asked us to accept 30, 60 or 75% of our salary! Yet many of us show up intending to ‘get away with’ less than a 100% contribution.

Are you all in?

How often do we feel aggrieved when we are called out on being less than ‘all in’ only to blame the other party and insist it is their lack of commitment that’s causing the problem?

but how are YOU showing up?

Show them how it’s done!

hands-344759_150If you want a loving, respectful, affectionate partner show them how it’s done.

Are you being the most affectionate partner you can? Or do you give your partner the ‘cold shoulder?’

Are you being the most supportive co-worker and colleague? Or do you isolate yourself?

Are you haughty and look down on colleagues or family, believing you’re superior then play the victim when you’re made aware of your lack of effort?

Are you showing up as the most trustworthy of friends?

It’s all on you

Let’s take the first example… Your partner is not as demonstrative as you would like.

Instead of berating and moaning, why not show up as the affectionate partner you would like him/her to be. Try an alternative approach just this once…

i-105490_150Assume it’s your responsibility. Be affectionate in the way you want your partner to be; wholeheartedly, without condition, without expectation.

Perhaps in being this way you’re more likely to boost their esteem. Make them feel good about themselves, improve their mood and their feelings towards you.  In so doing, perhaps you’ll finally receive the affectionate response you’ve been craving in return?

If you want a more loving, adventurous, spontaneous, partner check yourself first.

Are you being all these things?

Why then is it their responsibility?

The Fear

There’s the rub… Fear!

We fear we’ll be hurt, fear they’re getting more than we are, fear, fear, fear…

That old ‘lack’ mentality shows up again.

madness-227958_150We allow the fear to take hold…then, afraid and desperate we close some part of ourselves off as protection yet somehow expect the ‘other’ to give us their all.

When that’s not forthcoming we become annoyed, we feel rejected and become angry or defensive. Then they, out of their own insecurity and fear hold back to protect themselves too.

The rejection cycle continues, the distance widens and before you know it there’s nothing between you at all…

Yet how can we justify feeling upset when they’re simply mirroring what we are doing?

The result of all this pulling away is two people offering each other so much less than 100%. Yet every one of us deserves 100%



How can you hope to possibly create a perfect, nurturing, whole relationship that satisfies both parties when you are offering up so little compared to what you are capable of?heart-142736_150

If my friend’s former ‘beau’ had been holding back, how could he then expect full commitment from her?

If she on some unconscious level, sensed his lack of commitment, isn’t it likely that she’d ‘hold back’ in some way too, equally afraid?

The change you want to see

Don’t get me wrong, I am as guilty of this as anyone, I do not sit here in some lofty place, wagging a finger. Like the rest of humankind, I’m on a journey, a journey that teaches me more and more every day.

We owe it to ourselves, in the next friendship we form, the next relationship we enter into, the next job we take, to show up fully committed regardless of what we think the other is offering.

When you wholeheartedly commit, your reward is in that very commitment.

It is in the commitment that you will experience the very best of who you are and that is reward in itself. The approval of an outside ‘other’ is no longer necessary.




Mahatma Ghandi said:



If you want your situation, relationship, job, friendship, in fact any situation which means you communicate with others, to change in some way, the first place to start is to look at yourself…

What are you bringing to the situation or relationship?

Are you truly as committed as you think you are?

Are you ‘all in?’

The next time you feel you need to complain about or blame your partner, your friend, your managers, children, siblings, cat, gerbil or guinea pig for the current state you’re in… consider this:

Who are you being?

How are you showing up?

Blessings & Much love

Insightful Angel

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Friends & Friendship – a Special Love

friendship-63743_150Happy Sunday all

Acquiring friends and developing lasting friendships are perhaps two of the most emotionally satisfying things we create in our lives. As we journey through life, learning and developing, it’s our friends that are the marrow in our bones, feeding us, supporting us, keeping us strong so we become all that we could ever imagine.

Our friends:arm-wrestling-176645_150

  • See the vision for who we could be before we are able to recognise it in ourselves.
  • Drop everything to be by our side at the slightest hint of upset or trouble.
  • Love us through the hard times
  • Are loyal to us
  • Are not afraid to tell us we’re wrong
  • Believe in us
  • Make us laugh
  • Know when to leave us alone
  • Respect us
  • Always want the best for us
  • Celebrate our successes
  • Trust us
  • Our friends Love us

For exactly who we are…

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses…

Yet, I’m sure many of you reading this now, have a friend or two maybe, that you’ve let disappear from your lives. I’m sure most of us have at least one friend that we wish we’d kept in touch with? Perhaps your excuse was the distance, or they’ve changed or we no longer have the same things in common.

What ever the excuse, that’s just what it is; an excuse!

The regret, that comes in at number four (on our list of five) when we find ourselves at the point of leaving this earthly plane is:

  • “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends…”

FriendsMy mother always said: “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”

Meaning, that your friends are the family YOU create.

They display the behaviours, talents and attitudes you would prefer to see in your life and in the world.

Unfortunately, that’s not always the case with family.

Are we not here to self-create?

Are we not here to live lives that are an ‘authentic’ expressions of who we ‘choose’ to be?

So, if a family member is making choices and creating a life imbued with attitudes and behaviours that we refute, are we not entitled to keep them at arm’s length, as we would anyone else whose values we do not share?

However I digress. Back to friendship.

love-115878_150Love yourself first

When it comes to friendships, I can say wholeheartedly, I have learnt that they will never be satisfying unless you are friends with YOURSELF first. I’ll give you an example:

Let’s say you’ve something you want to bring into your life. Your friend has been supportive in your attempts to achieve/acquire this quality or gift, they believe in you and think you deserve the best that life has to offer and they tell you this often. Yet somehow you are not able to attain what it is you’re striving for.

Is the inability to feel deserving the issue?

Are you being as good a friend to yourself as your friend is to you and you are to them?

In order to accept the beauty inherent in our friendships, we need to be able to accept the beauty within ourselves. See yourself through your friends eyes.

Those that know me know one of my mottos is:

‘Like attracts like…’

So try to ignore the doubting voice within, the negative tape on a loop that endlessly plays through your list of ‘could be betters.’

Accept that the wonderful qualities you see in your friends are a mirror of the qualities, and the beauty, captured within the soul in YOU.

a-flower-for-you-173549_150Be willing to receive

Practise being a good friend, by being a friend to yourself first.

Be willing to give to yourself.

Be willing to receive.

If you cannot display the qualities of friendship that you appreciate in others in your own reflections of yourself then, regardless of how many friends you have, life will feel lonely and you will always find a reason to justify the non-appearance of whatever it is you’re looking for in life.

girls-344334_150Be the friend you want to see

Being a friend means you swear an oath. An oath to be someone your friend can trust. It means keeping your word and being there when you say you will. The best way to have and keep good friends is to be one.

Keep your promises.

We all know that there are times when things show up, when you have to change a plan, but you need to be dependable. No-one likes a flake! If ‘ducking out’ and ‘letting down’ become regular habits, your friend is unable to depend on you. You are a ‘fair weather friend.’ there when times are good, but noticeably absent when they need you most. Being this way means you are eroding their trust and eventually they’ll stop believing what you say.

pinky-swear-329329_150Be honest

Being honest about how you feel opens up direct lines of communication with your friends and will make them more likely to open up to you. If your friend has upset you in some way, don’t feel too shy to open up to your friend about it.

Being honest is not about being brutal and so blunt that you hurt them. If you think your friend has a problem for example, perhaps drink or any other problem which has the potential to destroy their lives, then you owe it to your friend to start a conversation about it.

But if you think your friend looks kind of weird in her new dress, assess the situation, you know your friend and in this instance you may want to keep your mouth shut. Especially if s/he feels they look amazing.

Why not leave them with that feeling and not shoot them down dampening their spirit?

Be Real 

Connect with the people you value on a deep level if you want to have long-term friendships that you can sustain through life’s ups and downs. Invest in people you can be yourself around. If the way you behave is insincere, your friendships won’t last.

Be Loyalkid-165253_150

If your friend tells you something in confidence, keep it and don’t talk about it with anyone else, just as you’d expect your friend to do for you. Never say anything about your friend that you would not be prepared to say to them face-to-face and be ready to defend them if other friends or people you barely know, gossip about them.

  • Part of being loyal is understanding how important a long-lasting and stable friendship is. Don’t throw all that away just to spend all your time hanging out with your new boyfriend or girlfriend or a cool new person you just met.

Be Selfless

IMG_0098Being selfless is an important part of being a good friend. Though you can’t be selfless all the time accommodating your friend’s wishes when you can, will strengthen you relationship. Reciprocate his or her acts of kindness with caring deeds of your own.

  • Do a favour for your friend just out of the goodness of your heart, not because you want something in return.

I’m sure you’re getting the picture. There are many more things I could say about friendships and how to foster secure heartfelt ones as well as how to maintain them. However, this post would become impossibly long if I continued.

heart-63974_150That rare gift

Suffice to say, that our friendships are our lifeblood, so it’s no surprise that the loss of our friends, especially when we know we could have done more to stay in touch, features high as one of our biggest regrets when we depart.

“Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it.”

Anaïs Nin

So, let’s heed the wise words of Anaïs.

Let your friends know how much they mean to you.

Be the best friend you can be 

Stay in touch.

No regrets!

Blessings & Much love

Insightful Angel 

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