Tag Archives: reflection

Reflections – Love and let go

It’s been a challenging week or two. Seeing to ailing parents has meant trips to the hospital and so last week I decided I needed to exercise some self care and rest. Since then the week has thrown a number of challenges my way one in particular which has been the cause of some insightful learning for me and so, as is my way, I thought I’d share.

We, who operate in spiritual circles, know that the people who come into your life are reflections of who you are, where you’re at spiritually or show you what you still need to pay attention to order to grow spiritually. We know too, that the soul inside you, that ‘inner knower’ will give you a ‘chups’ up de side a di head’ if you continue with an activity or behaviour that is not in the best interest of your soul’s growth.

At times this may mean losing the very thing or person you cherish the most in the world. So, that’s the kinda week I’ve had!

The immature parent

Parents who were immature raised many of us. Now I don’t mean they acted like babies, well, actually come to think of it that is probably exactly what they did do, but their childrearing style of course had a significant impact on the infant in their care; namely YOU.

There’s a profound loneliness and deep-seated scar, a trauma that occurs when we are exposed to the child rearing of emotionally immature parents.

12 signs your parents may have been emotionally immature

If your parents or a parent were/was ‘immature’ you my have grown up in an environment where:

  1. Their word was law because they were the ‘parent’
  2. They’re unable to reflect on their own behaviour and own it
  3. They never apologise
  4. You walk on egg-shells around them because of their unpredictable emotional swings
  5. They have ‘favourites’ and play this out within the family dynamic
  6. They are insensitive to your feelings and do not acknowledge them
  7. They shame you – they appear to show a contempt for who you are authentically and there is absolutely no room for individuation
  8. They expect you to mirror their behaviours, attitudes and moods
  9. Your individuality is stifled
  10. . They kill your dreams
  11. They inflict ‘strict’ (somewhat draconian) rules
  12. Their self –esteem and the image of the family are tied up in how you behave.
  13. They did not allow or respect your personal boundaries

These are just 13 examples, there are many more. However looking at this list, I’m sure that if you lived in an environment where even 3 or more of these behaviours existed you can understand now why you may experience some challenges in your intimate relationships and friendships.

The Wounded Child

Experiencing such behaviours creates a very lonely and hurt inner child.  Your inner child is a sad and wounded younger you who is extremely lonely and unable to trust as your parenting experience left you feeling:

  • Unsafe (threats, volatile emotions) or
  • Insecure (being shamed, criticised) or
  • Afraid (abandoned and having your authentic self ignored) and/or
  • Angry/enraged (feelings repressed or not acknowledged or allowed expression).

Our work as we grow into adulthood is to find ways to heal that inner child in order to become whole and emotionally secure. In so doing we create relationships with healthy boundaries; relationships where each party is heard and seen for ‘who they are’ and are not a reflection of what we think we need; relationships in which the other person is not projected onto or seen as our ‘saviour.’ The truth is we have to save ourselves. The good news is we all have the capacity within us to do so.

It’s not their fault

The feelings, fears and insecurities you experienced and probably still do around your parents will probably not change unless they ‘do the work’ too. Accept that this may not change and adopt some form of practise that will go some way to soothing the aching loneliness and fear your inner child experiences when around them.

SOLUTIONS:

1. Acceptance

In order to repair the first step is to realise that your parents may not be capable of a having a balanced, mature relationship with you; one in which they acknowledge your authentic self and your emotions are validated. This is because they were not shown how to either. This isn’t about blame, but about objectivity. Stop hoping that one day you might be able to have a mature, mutually validating connection, I’m afraid it may never happen.

2. Relating vs. Relationship

Instead of trying to gain their approval, or getting upset or frustrated when your attempts at connection fail; once you recognise that this is the situation you’re best trying to find a way to relate to them instead of trying in vain to have a relationship WITH them.

3. Boundaries

Another way to start the healing process, once you recognise that it’s not about YOU, its about them is to assert your right to create boundaries. When we grow up without an emotional connection with our parents we experience instability and feel unsafe. Recognise that it’s absolutely OK for you as an adult to become assertive and request that certain boundaries be respected, so that you can protect your inner child’s sensitivities and begin to feel safe.

Bite you on the butt!

If you recognise some of the characteristics I’ve outlined and see yourself carrying some of the residue of such parenting styles, then you will find, if you have not ‘consciously’ engaged in a healing process for your inner child, that your relationships will be marred by sudden and explosive ‘episodes’ as your inner child ‘acts out’ when s/he find themself triggered and the original hurts are stoked…much like a poking a sleeping fire breathing dragon.

Suddenly there’s the ‘prick’ of recognition of the original hurt the dragon rears up, bellows fire, causing destruction and harm (usually to someone they love and who is the closest to them).

not until they calm down and see the third degree burns they’ve inflicted do they realise the damage they’ve caused.

An Example: what it may look like:

In a partnership, partner no.1 has abandonment issues. They were never properly nurtured, their emotions weren’t validated or recognised and they were left to self soothe. On top of this there was bullying and favouritism in the family, so their inner child also feels unsafe and afraid.

This individual may then become quite controlling because their child is in a constant state of fear of being abandoned by their partner. When they’re not with them they think that demanding to know every minutiae of their partner’s actions in detail will re-assure them and make them feel safe.

The controlling behaviour becomes oppressive; questioning comes across as criticism and triggers the repressed rage that their partner’s inner child was never allowed to express in a healthy way. In addition the partner’s feelings of being ‘less than,’ and of unworthiness (due to the control & criticism) reminds them of their emotional insecurity and of their lack of safety growing up.

The result is that the partner run’s from this immense pain ‘abandoning’ partner no.1, who’s worst fears are then realised. They tell themselves that they were right all along and so, they enter their next relationship even more fearful and afraid and with a deeper conviction that ‘everyone leaves them’ they will be abandoned and it’s because they are unworthy and unlovable.

Partner no. 2 pushes back by running. This risks re-enforcing their ‘story’ that they are unlovable that their childhood criticism created and their unhealthy expression of their anger in the form of raging or frustration (feeling attacked) makes them feel disgusted with themselves reinforcing their feelings of being unlovable. And so the vicious cycle continues.

Learn to Love yourself exactly as you are

Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and to be ‘seen’ and authentically heard. The first step is to learn to love you. How you relate to yourself is often a residue from the parenting you received as an infant and young child.

Perhaps you people please in a vain attempt to get the approval you never did when you were young or maybe you have mirrored your parents bombastic bullying attributes, are overly confident to mask the insecurity you actually feel and demand love instead of having it be given to you freely or perhaps you impose conditions on that love.

On the other hand you may be someone who makes your partner, family and friends feel insecure or afraid because of your volatile emotions and they’re walking on eggshells around you.

Whatever the challenge for you, it starts with taking a good look at who you have in your life, as they reflect yourself back to you and honestly taking stock of how you relate to them.

Make notes on what you’d like to see in your relationships/friendships and then identify how far or close you are from your ideal. Consider what has to change in order for those relationships to become mutually respectful spaces where both parties are truly seen and heard?

Then start to implement practices, such as meditation, journaling, breath-work or specific ‘inner child’ therapy or counselling. Even just self- reflection is an excellent start, the answers are within and you do not necessarily need an ‘expert’ to get answers.

Start today, today whose date of 02.02.2020 is a Pallidrome and is occurring after 900 years!

2 & 0 symbolise new starts and balance. So give yourself the gift of a clean slate and sweep away the energies of the past.

Let your inner child know they are loved, accepted and worthy of love. Let’s start this new decade with the energy of healing and self- love.

Blissings and much love

Pauline Tomlin

(Insightful Angel)

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Pissouri Pilgrimage 4 – Reflections

Pissouri – Cyprus

7th October 2015

16.54pm (local time) Wednesday

The Village & Reflections

Happy Sunday all,

mountains-691501_1280Today I managed to get to the hillside village of Pissouri which is distinct from the Bay.

My day started with a proper introduction to the vibrant Kate in the smoothie shop as I waited for a lift  from Catriona, who had generously offered to take me to the village bank as she had some deliveries.

Pissouri Village is located on what can only be told described as a ‘ Severely Steep Hillside.’

Trust me this village is truly ‘HILLSIDE.’

The journey up and I mean ‘UP’ to the village is a challenge even for the sturdiest of vehicles and as we climbed and climbed, I had visions of donkeys in ancient times sweating and panting as they hauled their impatient owners and produce from the village to the bay and back again.

The world’s smallest square

IMAG1349After the bank the walk round the village square took all of 8 minutes!

I received many (I’d like to think they were admiring glances), but mostly they were just curious, but there were many cheeky nudges and gummy grins from wizened and sunburnt old Cypriot gentlemen, who perched outside coffee shops and tavernas leaning on walking sticks.

I decided to wander farther afield.

Farther afield meant my saunter took all of 15 minutes…

Small place Pissouri Village.

Bingo?

Rounding one corner I hear a ‘honk, honk’ and Kate from the smoothie shop appears in her dinky little motor.

“What’re you doing here?’ she enquires. I explain I’m attempting to uncover the village and she assures me there really isn’t anymore to it than the square I already took 8 minutes to explore!

bingo-159974_1280“Fancy a game of bingo tomorrow?” She says and I, who have never played ‘Bingo’ in my life, find myself agreeing to sit with a group of British migrants to the Island in a remote Cypriot village, to engage in one of the UK’s most prosaic working class traditions!

But I’m open…should be fun?

Surreal… but fun.

Questions & Curiosity

Kathy tootles off in her little car and as I round the next corner I and have a lively & brief exchange with several younger Cypriot workers who were obviously curious…

  • What was my heritage?
  • Why I was in their little village?
  • Was I alone – WHY?
  • Who upset me back home?
  • What did I do?
  • Where was I from?

question-mark-460869_1280Their questions answered they suggested I teach In Cyprus as teachers ‘do no work here’ they told me gleefully. They even suggested a couple of schools and said I should definitely move here. Nice, to be wanted, eh?

Back in the village square, my stomach decided to remind me it was time for lunch. The lovely Monica serves me a delicious mushroom and Halloumi Omelette at the Platea tavern and I can’t help but feel just a little satisfied with life and extremely grateful for the one I have in that moment.

Maria, Maria

Maria is from Bulgaria and I marvel at how vibrant and friendly she is as she goes about her work. To be honest, down in the bay the waitresses have been somewhat stoney-faced and cold up until now. I ask her if she loves her work and she’s taken aback a little, but after some thought says, she does and I tell her it clearly shows.

Reflections

beautiful-16736_1920At the table next to me are a family from Barrow-in-Furness. I couldn’t have met lovelier people. Tina & Stewart are visiting their daughter stationed here in the British army. They are rightfully proud of who she is and what she has become.

We have a fabulous exchange and they seem fascinated and truly in awe of my work both as teacher and as an ‘Inspirationalist.’ I came to realise that I have never felt so happy to do or be ‘me’ and that they were reflecting back to me what my contentment and self-acceptance looked and felt like from inside me.

Just do YOU

hands-423794_1280I began to contemplate how no matter what we do or where we are, if we love who we are that’s all we ever need. Like Monica, who obviously loved who she is and all she does, she infuses her work with love; It’s not external approval, or validation, that makes us feel satisfied with ourselves and with life, it’s the Internal approval that gives us that.

Up in the village, I could have become insecure and paranoid because of the attention I had received, but as I was secure and very, very happy to ‘do’ me with no apology, then that shone out from me and was then reflected back by the nature & quality of the people I interact with.

All we are here to do is be ourselves.

Care for ourselves

Be ourselves

Accept ourselves.

It’s natural

sunflower-11574_1920We don’t ask the rain why it falls it just does…

Do we question why the sunflower is a sunflower, or chastise it for not being a rose?

We don’t ask mosquitoes why they bite (I damned well wish they wouldn’t); we may not like that they do, but they JUST DO it anyway.

In the same way, you must simply do YOU

Reflections II

macro-319237_1920We don’t become happy and contented and secure and then this energy is reflected in your outer world.  Like Monica we become that energy, emit it it an then this energy is reflected back to us.

I was feeling: contented and happy and in love with life. Secure in my skin and particularly grateful.

By being who and what I naturally felt I should be, I was able to create more of such feelings. The energy created attracts pleasurable exchanges and interactions. These is turn lead to experiencing  more of those same feelings. As I/we draw more of them towards us we create even more feelings of gratitude and contentment and so on…

When this energy reaches out and touches the people we interact with, they cannot help but reflect your self-acceptance and self-love back to you and if they don’t, you’re feeling so good it won’t affect you anyway!

Love & Blissings

Insightful Angel

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