Tag Archives: Partner

Reflections – Love and let go

It’s been a challenging week or two. Seeing to ailing parents has meant trips to the hospital and so last week I decided I needed to exercise some self care and rest. Since then the week has thrown a number of challenges my way one in particular which has been the cause of some insightful learning for me and so, as is my way, I thought I’d share.

We, who operate in spiritual circles, know that the people who come into your life are reflections of who you are, where you’re at spiritually or show you what you still need to pay attention to order to grow spiritually. We know too, that the soul inside you, that ‘inner knower’ will give you a ‘chups’ up de side a di head’ if you continue with an activity or behaviour that is not in the best interest of your soul’s growth.

At times this may mean losing the very thing or person you cherish the most in the world. So, that’s the kinda week I’ve had!

The immature parent

Parents who were immature raised many of us. Now I don’t mean they acted like babies, well, actually come to think of it that is probably exactly what they did do, but their childrearing style of course had a significant impact on the infant in their care; namely YOU.

There’s a profound loneliness and deep-seated scar, a trauma that occurs when we are exposed to the child rearing of emotionally immature parents.

12 signs your parents may have been emotionally immature

If your parents or a parent were/was ‘immature’ you my have grown up in an environment where:

  1. Their word was law because they were the ‘parent’
  2. They’re unable to reflect on their own behaviour and own it
  3. They never apologise
  4. You walk on egg-shells around them because of their unpredictable emotional swings
  5. They have ‘favourites’ and play this out within the family dynamic
  6. They are insensitive to your feelings and do not acknowledge them
  7. They shame you – they appear to show a contempt for who you are authentically and there is absolutely no room for individuation
  8. They expect you to mirror their behaviours, attitudes and moods
  9. Your individuality is stifled
  10. . They kill your dreams
  11. They inflict ‘strict’ (somewhat draconian) rules
  12. Their self –esteem and the image of the family are tied up in how you behave.
  13. They did not allow or respect your personal boundaries

These are just 13 examples, there are many more. However looking at this list, I’m sure that if you lived in an environment where even 3 or more of these behaviours existed you can understand now why you may experience some challenges in your intimate relationships and friendships.

The Wounded Child

Experiencing such behaviours creates a very lonely and hurt inner child.  Your inner child is a sad and wounded younger you who is extremely lonely and unable to trust as your parenting experience left you feeling:

  • Unsafe (threats, volatile emotions) or
  • Insecure (being shamed, criticised) or
  • Afraid (abandoned and having your authentic self ignored) and/or
  • Angry/enraged (feelings repressed or not acknowledged or allowed expression).

Our work as we grow into adulthood is to find ways to heal that inner child in order to become whole and emotionally secure. In so doing we create relationships with healthy boundaries; relationships where each party is heard and seen for ‘who they are’ and are not a reflection of what we think we need; relationships in which the other person is not projected onto or seen as our ‘saviour.’ The truth is we have to save ourselves. The good news is we all have the capacity within us to do so.

It’s not their fault

The feelings, fears and insecurities you experienced and probably still do around your parents will probably not change unless they ‘do the work’ too. Accept that this may not change and adopt some form of practise that will go some way to soothing the aching loneliness and fear your inner child experiences when around them.

SOLUTIONS:

1. Acceptance

In order to repair the first step is to realise that your parents may not be capable of a having a balanced, mature relationship with you; one in which they acknowledge your authentic self and your emotions are validated. This is because they were not shown how to either. This isn’t about blame, but about objectivity. Stop hoping that one day you might be able to have a mature, mutually validating connection, I’m afraid it may never happen.

2. Relating vs. Relationship

Instead of trying to gain their approval, or getting upset or frustrated when your attempts at connection fail; once you recognise that this is the situation you’re best trying to find a way to relate to them instead of trying in vain to have a relationship WITH them.

3. Boundaries

Another way to start the healing process, once you recognise that it’s not about YOU, its about them is to assert your right to create boundaries. When we grow up without an emotional connection with our parents we experience instability and feel unsafe. Recognise that it’s absolutely OK for you as an adult to become assertive and request that certain boundaries be respected, so that you can protect your inner child’s sensitivities and begin to feel safe.

Bite you on the butt!

If you recognise some of the characteristics I’ve outlined and see yourself carrying some of the residue of such parenting styles, then you will find, if you have not ‘consciously’ engaged in a healing process for your inner child, that your relationships will be marred by sudden and explosive ‘episodes’ as your inner child ‘acts out’ when s/he find themself triggered and the original hurts are stoked…much like a poking a sleeping fire breathing dragon.

Suddenly there’s the ‘prick’ of recognition of the original hurt the dragon rears up, bellows fire, causing destruction and harm (usually to someone they love and who is the closest to them).

not until they calm down and see the third degree burns they’ve inflicted do they realise the damage they’ve caused.

An Example: what it may look like:

In a partnership, partner no.1 has abandonment issues. They were never properly nurtured, their emotions weren’t validated or recognised and they were left to self soothe. On top of this there was bullying and favouritism in the family, so their inner child also feels unsafe and afraid.

This individual may then become quite controlling because their child is in a constant state of fear of being abandoned by their partner. When they’re not with them they think that demanding to know every minutiae of their partner’s actions in detail will re-assure them and make them feel safe.

The controlling behaviour becomes oppressive; questioning comes across as criticism and triggers the repressed rage that their partner’s inner child was never allowed to express in a healthy way. In addition the partner’s feelings of being ‘less than,’ and of unworthiness (due to the control & criticism) reminds them of their emotional insecurity and of their lack of safety growing up.

The result is that the partner run’s from this immense pain ‘abandoning’ partner no.1, who’s worst fears are then realised. They tell themselves that they were right all along and so, they enter their next relationship even more fearful and afraid and with a deeper conviction that ‘everyone leaves them’ they will be abandoned and it’s because they are unworthy and unlovable.

Partner no. 2 pushes back by running. This risks re-enforcing their ‘story’ that they are unlovable that their childhood criticism created and their unhealthy expression of their anger in the form of raging or frustration (feeling attacked) makes them feel disgusted with themselves reinforcing their feelings of being unlovable. And so the vicious cycle continues.

Learn to Love yourself exactly as you are

Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and to be ‘seen’ and authentically heard. The first step is to learn to love you. How you relate to yourself is often a residue from the parenting you received as an infant and young child.

Perhaps you people please in a vain attempt to get the approval you never did when you were young or maybe you have mirrored your parents bombastic bullying attributes, are overly confident to mask the insecurity you actually feel and demand love instead of having it be given to you freely or perhaps you impose conditions on that love.

On the other hand you may be someone who makes your partner, family and friends feel insecure or afraid because of your volatile emotions and they’re walking on eggshells around you.

Whatever the challenge for you, it starts with taking a good look at who you have in your life, as they reflect yourself back to you and honestly taking stock of how you relate to them.

Make notes on what you’d like to see in your relationships/friendships and then identify how far or close you are from your ideal. Consider what has to change in order for those relationships to become mutually respectful spaces where both parties are truly seen and heard?

Then start to implement practices, such as meditation, journaling, breath-work or specific ‘inner child’ therapy or counselling. Even just self- reflection is an excellent start, the answers are within and you do not necessarily need an ‘expert’ to get answers.

Start today, today whose date of 02.02.2020 is a Pallidrome and is occurring after 900 years!

2 & 0 symbolise new starts and balance. So give yourself the gift of a clean slate and sweep away the energies of the past.

Let your inner child know they are loved, accepted and worthy of love. Let’s start this new decade with the energy of healing and self- love.

Blissings and much love

Pauline Tomlin

(Insightful Angel)

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Show the love

Happy Sunday All,

Apologies dear friends for the delayed arrival of this week’s post.

Jilly Cooper - Love your familyI entitled this post ‘Show the love.’ because in my time here I have encountered some sweet loving people, who are being the best they can in their relationships only to have their attempts at intimacy thwarted. They do their best to be loving and generous, they attempt to communicate and show their love and respect for their partner, they keep trying and hoping against all hope for some reciprocation, only to be rejected time and time again. Some have talked about how they are ridiculed others about how they are frozen out, for some it’s the endless feeling of loneliness and a lack of affection

It takes two

Hand to holdNow obviously there are two sides to every story, two people with needs and desires, hopes and ambitions that should be able to find fulfilment within the relationship, but sometimes…just sometimes and I’m sure most of us have encountered such a relationship. One or other partner just cannot find it within themselves to show their appreciation. They seem to reject the love and affection that’s readily availablee to them and

It breaks your heart.

Perhaps they weren’t given permission to positively show the love and express emotion as they were growing up, perhaps they were repressed and made to feel fearful when their emotions spilled over. Perhaps they’re unhappy about the choices they have made and their upset is really with themselves for those decisions and they’re subconsciously taking it out on their partner.

The choice is yours…Make it right

its-your-choiceWhatever the reason for their inability to show their love, it’s a sorrowful sight to see. The constant push and pull when one partner pours venom in the ear of the other, freezes them out, gives them the cold shoulder, shouts berates, chastises or simply ignores them and their partner out of devotion to either children or the vows they made keep trying…their spirit and sense of self, esteem and self confidence slowly eroding.

So today my plea to you is this….If any of the above resonates with you.

Just stop…

Everything in life is capable of change…

Start to appreciate the gift you have been given in your life, see love whether from parents, children, partners, friends as the precious gift it is and show the love.

Everything in life is capable of change… change it now!

The Green MileGreen-Mile

The beautiful Film by Frank Darabont, is coming to an end as I write this post. The main character played by Tom Hanks, says at the end that we each have

“our own Green Mile to walk, each in our own time, but one thought more than any other keeps me awake most nights…sometimes the Green mile seems so long”

That ‘Green Mile’ is peppered with moments of love. These moments make each of our individual Green Miles shorter, they’re our opportunities to feel joy, to experience what the essence of life is really about and remind us why we are here.

We’re here to love…

We’re here to show our love…

We’re here to demonstrate our connectedness to one another…

So little…So few

2014-10-04 07.48.32It’s in moments of love that we touch God and step into the energy we are meant to feel every moment of every day

We have so few opportunities to experience these moments, please don’t throw them away. Take the time and communicate with your loved ones. Don’t assume they know that you love them

Tell them….  Show them!

Hold their hand, kiss them, touch them tenderly, support them, do things that you know will please them, the appreciation and the love returned to you will be the reward you think you crave outside. The grass isn’t greener, you just think it is.

There is always a way…and if there isn’t then halt the misery and let go, so you are free to find those moments elsewhere.

Don’t believe the hype!

The proliferation of messages from the media would have us believe that every man or woman’s home is their castle…that we are individuals and not a collective and this is often a source of our misery. We expect our lives to be like those of the celebrities…all drama and glitz and so the slow burning, everyday feelings of affection can seem a little too sedate. This sets us up for constant disappointment.

heart-81204_150When you truly open up to the love around you.

Embrace it,

Appreciate it and allow yourself to be bathed in it.

You realise that it’s in your demonstration of  love that you receive YOUR gift.

So love more, don’t be afraid.

Be brave

Show your love

Have no expectation of return and in the giving you receive your prize.

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