Happy Sunday All
I’ve noticed and I’m sure you have too, that one of our biggest sources of misery is from the relationships we have with others, especially our love/romantic relationships. There is nothing that we think provides us with such acutely negative feelings about our worth, as having a partner or Spouse leave us.
But, I have come to realise that loving someone is a gift. Each of our relationships is a lesson for us to learn from and pass through so we can evolve and transform. Each relationship is another opportunity for growth, if we choose to see it.
The misery comes not from the experience but from our ‘Expectations’ of it.
Person A has the belief that their self worth is tied to being loved by another. Their expectations are that love means the other person is constantly by your side, gives you their undivided attention and consistently offers displays of affection both in private and public.
Person B’s expectations and beliefs are that love means giving others the space to be themselves, that love and affection are offered gifts and aren’t a demand or an obligation. The expectations they have of their partner are that they have freedom of choice, so every day that they wake up and their partner has chosen to be with them tells them they are loved.
Now the universe is made of opposites, Ying & Yang, masculine & Feminine and so…
So person A & B meet. The pull of person B’s strength and independence attracts A’s desire for care and protection. Person A’s emotional freedom and affection are a breath of fresh air and makes person B feel cherished, something they haven’t felt before. They are attracted to one another and begin a relationship.
Person A’s displays of affection allow Person B become a little more affectionate and Person B’s respect and support is warm and unusually freeing for Person A.
As time rolls by
After a while however, Person B finds A’s demands for affection suffocating and confusing as they begin to get upset (feeling rejected) when Person B leaves them to pursue other interests or isn’t constantly demonstrating their affection.
To Person B, their constant demands for physical displays and emotional reassurance, implies a dependency that they associate with childishness and insecurity. They are uncomfortable with being constantly on emotional alert to A’s shifts in mood or upset when they do not feel too satisfied.
Surely they appreciate that they give them space to pursue their own interests and freedom to be themselves because of the immense love and respect then have for them? They have no idea that Person A sees the lack of attention as being abandoned and the result is they feel rejected.
Because of Person A’s belief that Love is demonstrated consistently person B’s displays are never enough for them. They feel constantly rejected. This becomes too much for them and they leave Person A to find someone who can give them the affection they crave.
Person B is left reeling; they were completely unaware that Person A was so disappointed. They have no real idea as to why. They then begin to assume that there must be something wrong with them, not with As expectations why person A left. They spiral into hurt and despair and berate themselves for their failings.
Let’s look at it another way:
Both person A and Person B were operating from a set of beliefs. The truth is, if they had complete love for themselves they would understand that THEY are all they need, that approval from another is a bonus, but not necessary.
As the singer songwriter India Irie said:
‘Your self worth is YOUR job. It’s your sacred space to cultivate’
How another person expresses their love is not a reflection on your worth, but more an expression of what they have known and learnt about love and their relationship to it up to this point.
Now we all have a right to express our needs and how we would prefer to see them expressed, but how many of us actually sit with our significant other and have this conversation?
For A & B their relationship was a unique opportunity for person A and person B to learn about the nature of love and it’s many expressions. It was an opportunity for them to decide what love is, what its expression means to them and how and when they choose to express it.
Choices, decisions and changes
Our relationships are always opportunities to make and refine our choices, decide which of our expectations no longer serve us and so we choose to discard them and which expectations/beliefs we now know because of new information and learning we will decide to keep.
We would suffer less in our love relationships if we used them as a source of learning.
When we have a strong emotional reaction, consider if you’re seeing the actions of the other person through the distorted lens of your preconceived expectations or is what their communicating justified and so they DO need to consider making changes?
Once we are aware of this we realise that we can change our thoughts and therefore our beliefs and as a result our experiences.
- What can you learn about yourself – what do you think and how do you feel and Why?
- What are your expectations of love & Romance? – are they reasonable/achievable?
- What do you assume Love should feel/Look like?
- What are your expectations of yourself in love – How do you think you should feel?
- What habits/beliefs still serve you and you choose to keep and which ones should you now let go? And why?
Take the time to honestly contemplate the questions and truthfully answer them.
And so to you
If you’re in a relationship, you’ve recently had had a break-up or you’re looking for a new relationship, it’s worthwhile really examining these questions for yourself before you enter into a new phase.
You will find as you uncover who you and what you need you begin to change your thoughts and alter your expectations. These new expectations mean you are more likely to attract a relationship which serves you more completely, one which and will ultimately runs, rather than one which leaves you feeling unfulfilled or dissatisfied.
Blissings & Much Love