Category Archives: Family

These posts are designed to provide insight on how we navigate the choppy waters of parenting in a world which can, at times, seem bent on destroying the sensibilities of the next generation before they’re even able to stand.

‘Black sheep’ and ‘crabs,’

Examining the ugly truth about Jealousy in the black family.

I went out last night…Whilst I was ‘shacking out’ and truly loving myself and the feeling of freedom I get from dancing, a woman came past me, invading my personal space (like literally inches away!) and shoved her miserable face into mine; threateningly. She then looked me up and down as if she’d stood in a dog turd and passed by looking over her shoulder as she went.

No words were exchanged, I didn’t even know her… the threat was obvious but why?

JEALOUSY!

She is an insidious and malicious mistress…

Two night’s before I was in the delightful company of four other black women. We chatted and discussed and all noted how wonderful it was to be amongst sisters and not have the tension and pique of resentment or petty insecurities peppering our commentary and tainting the energy.

Sad, though it is to admit, this is not often the case when ‘black folks’ get together and ‘two or more are gathered.’ The reality is, that oftentimes there is a thinly veiled covetousness and resentment amongst us. It’s a highly destructive and pervasive social malady.

Why does this happen? For if we are to change how we operate as a community on an equal footing with other groups in society creating opportunities for those that follow us, we need to undo the limitations and shackles we are still placing on ourselves.

Our great Leader and ancestor Marcus Garvey once said:

‘Do not remove the kinks from your hair, remove them from your brain.’

In my view one of the greatest and most insidious kinks prevalent within Black Culture, society and families is this Jealousy. Jealousy causes a huge wound ensuring we never come together as a collective to stem the tide of our collective destruction.

One reason jealousy manifests is the ‘Black Sheep’ scenario. This is when one member of the family is singled out for different (usually negative) treatment from the family’s caregivers. how they then treat the ‘Black Sheep,’ is noted subconsciously and can be replicated amongst the other siblings.

The emotional damage of this for the ‘odd one out,’ is incredibly painful to bear, but also, in my view, crippling too for the ‘jealous’ sibling, who spends their life focused on either the resenting their ‘black sheep’ siblings qualities, achievements or lifestyle or else trying to destroy their possessions, or reputation or both, when they should be focused on developing their own unique gifts to their fullest.

A Black Sheep is often created for the following reasons:

The Black Sheep

  • The have a particular gift or talent and without training ‘comes naturally and is executed to a high standard. This gift may bring external attention and validation to them.
  • Their personality is unusual and obviously different to that of the mother or father and they find it a challenge to relate to and parent them. Sometimes this is because the nature of the child triggers their insecurities. e.g. a particularly gifted child academically whose parent(s) struggled with school and harbour resentment or fear of the system; a child who is personable and friendly, yet has been born to parents or a parent who is insecure and nervous in social situations
  • The child could be very like the mother or father and the other parent resents them and the characteristics that remind them of the ex-partner.
  • Perhaps there is some secret or shame surrounding the child’s conception and the are a reminder to the parent of that poor decision or traumatic event.

Whatever the reason the persecuted child, the ‘Black sheep’ struggles for years with their decision-making & self worth and may reject the very ‘gifts’ they were born with.

  • They spend a lifetime wondering what is so horrid about who they are and insecurity a lack of self-trust and self-loathing follow them into adulthood.
  • If not that, then they make life decisions based on either pleasing others or in some cases in direct opposition to the advice of friends now around them in adulthood, as they find it impossible to believe these people have their best interests at heart .
  • An inability to trust follows and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy*

Invariably they blame themselves or become a people pleaser; wearing themselves out to make everything alright for everyone else, swallowing their own voices and shrinking in a vain attempt to gain approval.

The reality is that approval is never coming…

The worst of situations like this is that nothing is stated or discussed yet it permeates every interaction and every family decision.

It’s tough for an adult to recognise their parents are not perfect and are perhaps not as learned, emotional literate or experienced as they are, let alone a child who is dependent on these people for their view of the world and their care.

Crabs in a Barrel’

When one of us starts to ‘rise’ out of the constraining situation and circumstances of our birth or community, others members, become resentful.

They do several things to try and bring you down:

  • Other siblings, cousins or even the parents or caregivers take (usually without permission) use and destroy your property then negate your feelings of hurt, your protestations or upset, blaming you for overreacting or being ’emotional,’ disrespectful or miserable
  • Your physical attributes are often criticised
  • Family members cannot be pleased for you when you achieve triumphs and successes.
  • Family don’t pay attention to what you’re doing and show no interest
  • You’re not congratulated you on our achievements, or it is done with restraint and tension…the obligation being evident
  • Your school, college, work events & ceremonies are not attended, or they have excuses.
  • They separate others from you with whisper campaigns (or downright lies) or try and get them on their ‘side’ in situations. btw – their ‘side’ is always in opposition to whatever you think or feel.
  • They may go as far as trying to ‘live’ your life and cheat with your partner OR
  • Try stealing you own children’s affections and the affections of the wider family network in an attempt to isolate you. This isolation somehow ‘justifies’ their behaviour in their eyes. After all everyone else thinks you’re (insert your own negative label here)…’bossy,’ ‘too loud,’ ‘a know-it-all,’ ‘sneaky’ (if you’re shy) whatever it is they can find a way to persecute you for it
  • The wider community fail to support your attempts at entrepreneurship or comment on how you think you’re above them if your life decisions are different to theirs or you appear to be prospering materially.

Solutions

to move forward as individuals and communities we need to stem the ‘miseducation’ and warped socialisation that goes on within our lives.

Its imperative that we understand that the family is the fertiliser in which the ‘seed’ of the child is planted. For the seed to be properly nourished and grow into full potential that soil has to have the correct nutrients.

One of the most vital minerals in that soil is ‘support.’

I have taught many children for different cultural backgrounds and one thing they always tell me that we as a people do not do well, is support one another. They can be in the midst of a family feud, but if it comes to business or moving forward in society they will always support their own first…fraternise the shop within their own community and owned by a community member before running off to give their money, services to other social groups. Regardless!

Once we begin to support one another’s achievements we will see an exponential rise in our communities social, cultural and financial gains.

Family is the the foundation of society that community, if our communities are to move forward, but with proper understanding, we can come together and move and speak as one, create unity.

The family is the first place we learn to socialise and so it is here that that unity, the appreciation of and support for others and their gifts will first be taught.

It was through unity that our our ancestors fought tirelessly and secured their freedoms. It’s through unity that our countries gained independence and it was through unity that civil rights were won.

It’s not too late…

Come together within our communities and teach our children who they are and where they come from, teach them, their history and that they are unique; teach them that their gifts and those of the people around them are valuable. Teach them to respect themselves, their property and the community’s property as well as others.

Ensure they have collective and individual pride.

There’s no longer a place in the farmyard for a barrel full of crabs or black sheep!

Start the process of ‘de-kinking’ our minds!

Blissings and much love

Insightful Angel

*self-fulfiling prophesy: https://positivepsychology.com/self-fulfilling-prophecy/

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An Apology

Happy Sunday all,

‘Brexit’ or ‘Were you trippin?’

As a ‘Brit’ I exercised my Franchise on Friday, marked my little ‘X’ and made the choice that I felt was the best on for ALL the people who inhabit this Island Called the United Kingdom.

Yet, the result was one which left me reeling.

So…

I have decided to add my opinion to the mix. It is not my intention to offend, upset or condemn anyone, we are all entitled to our opinions.

I apologise for not offering a longer missive today, but ‘life’ means I have things to attend to –

Yes I Do get up and write these on a Sunday Morning!

A humble and ordinary opinion – A heartfelt apology

My opinion, is that as an elder member of the society, I need to offer an apology. You see our young people are the ones who will inherit the Britain we just voted to disconnect from the wider collective that is The European Community. I, for one feel sightly ashamed, but also sad as I know many of those who voted to exit, did so from an emotional space, as a way of  protesting for many other reasons and forgot that the outcome doesn’t affect those who so vehemently call for your support anywhere near as much as it does YOU.

An opportunity

Change…’whoah’ it was scary.

Change always is isn’t it?

But this rocking of the ship could be a great opportunity if we see it as one.

It is an opportunity to really look into the divisions in our society, the rifts, the ‘disgruntlements’ and the disappointments and use that knowledge to create an even more just, more equal, more satisfied community.

Perhaps Britain will be great again… this time known across the globe as a country whose citizens picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and created a country in which the good of the collective seeped into every decision and every exchange.

An apology…

See why below:

 

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Letter to my younger self

 

Happy Sunday All,

Dedicated to Ella, Jake, Lily, Brogan, Ben, Roya & Demi

old-letters-436501_1280I’ve had a week in which many younger people, presented their problems, concerns and issues to me and I found myself giving the best advice I could to support them and hoping it would be enough My response is generally to simply say what I know about life up to this point and share what I have learnt; when it occurred to me; If the younger version of me, my innocent and wide-eyed self was in front of me now, what would I say to her? How would I re-assure her that she’s OK and always will be? How would I convince her that she is talented and beautiful and unique?

 

So…

I decided today to write a letter to my younger self.

Dear Angel,

You’re only 17 and I remember you being wracked with a searing doubt about who you are and your worthiness right now. That’s OK because without doubt, we do not question ourselves and dig deep. When we do this, we are forced to make decisions about who we are and that’s a good thing.

hands-1283146_1280You see, we are malleable, like plasticine or clay…I guess that’s why the bible says we have feet of clay. The analogy is a good one because we DO indeed ‘shape’ ourselves. That shaping comes in the form of the choices we make in the face of the challenges and the upsets and the betrayals and the disloyalty and the mis-steps and the slip-ups. You see in those moments you get to decide which way you want to go, how you want to behave and who you CHOOSE to be. These are THE most valuable moments because you get to decide who & what you want to be in and to this world.

I’m very proud of you. You’ve become a kind and loving elder who has always looked to the good in others and this is all we need to do.

STUFF!

girl-worried-1215261_1280Yes, others may have been cruel, betrayed you, yes you were let you down and disappointed, yes you’ve been criticised, but that was “THEIR STUFF” don’t take it on. I admire that you knew instinctively what is right for us and you stick with always showing kindness and forgiveness.

For that reason you are still able to embrace life’s joys. You are not cynical or bitter, you are not a martyr or a victim. In fact you’re eternally hopeful believing that the life you dream of will is just around any and every corner.

In this letter to my younger self, I can’t stress enough that I’d like you to get this one much, much sooner than we did the first time round. we only got this in our 4th decade, so please if you do one thing NOW it’s this:

LOVE YOURSELF!

encourage-866765_1280No…Listen, I said LOVE YOURSELF. Accept yourself completely and make NO excuse for being yourself, your ‘less desirable’ attributes included. You can simply decide to work on them and change any that you think they are an issue for you.

I’d like you to completely get that you are SO amazing. We all are and the longer I am here and the more people I meet the more conviction I have in this belief and I know deep, deep in my heart that the blissings you receive are as a result of how you treat and speak to yourself and others.

Find your peace

Find a way to quiet your inner critic as soon as possible and speak to yourself as you would a beautiful new-born child. We are a grandmother now and our granddaughter is simply pure joy just because she exists. She doesn’t have to do anything or give anything she has nothing to prove she just is and in just being, she is perfect.

Remember we were a baby; we were perfect and needed to do and be nothing but who and what we are. But guess what?

vipassana-997076_1280

It’s still the same way.

We are all still adorable, still joy and have nothing to prove, nor anything we have to be, except to follow what are our ‘Happy challenges.’ I say challenges because we need the tension and the ‘grist’ to shape us and help us choose (Not too much ‘grist’ or drama now please!) but happy because it’s the feel good feelings that keep us feeling energised and replenished so we can continue to give.

Which brings me neatly to ‘giving,’ as this is the ‘Key’ to your happiness.

N.B. You give to YOURSELF first.

You tended to suffer from giving, giving, giving to others, and that’s a quality I greatly admire in you, but you were doing so out of a desire for approval and forgot about YOU. I said it before you are worthy, so are we all and so keep your glass full and in that way you have enough to share and there is still half a glass left for yourself. Fill yourself with experiences and sharing and loving and creative work and whatever makes you light up and then you have the best of yourself to share with others.

Travel…

sea-418742_1920If I have one regret it’s that we haven’t travelled as much as we both wanted. Circumstances I know, but regardless, take any and every opportunity to travel. You will feel expanded and learn self-reliance and this leads to the inner confidence and knowing, truly knowing you will always be OK.

People

Ooh this is a biggie!

You cannot control another, so don’t even try.

Just as we are creating who we are, so others are creating themselves. The only thing you can do in any of your relationships is be your best version of yourself.

Be the self you choose and then choose again according to the choices, actions and reactions of others.

That’s the ‘dance,’ nothing more, nothing less

be-423796_1280If you feel an action you are taking is ‘right’ and honourable, (honours you and your moral code and respects them) and I stress the ‘honourable,’ then make no apology for it. You have a right to be YOU; you have a right to your choices for your life.

Have high standards for yourself and others and NEVER apologise for them or bend yourself into a pretzel to please others and what they think they want you to be. More often than not this springs from their own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.

Sure there will be ties when you are alone as you transition from one circle to another, but you WILL find those kindred spirits who love you for who you are and do not need or want you to change yourself to ‘fit in.’

Don’t do it! EVER…

  • Be resolute and stick to what is right for YOU.
  • Do good
  • DO right

You KNOW what’s right… Yes you do, you know that inner feeling that sharp pinch that you get inside if you do or say something that’s cruel or wrong, so avoid having to feel it. Just don’t do it. Choose right always.

This letter to my younger self I now realise needs another chapter. So, for today I will leave you to contemplate the loving words I send to you as you step into your 18th year.

I love you, Enjoy life and know you are worthy you will be OK.

Blissings & Much love

Insightful Angel

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Fun and Play

Happy Sunday All,

This will probably be a brief message today as I’m writing it in between ‘Gramamma’ duties. Cherub’s asleep and I’m pretty whacked, but earlier this week I realised that my 17 week-old angel had taught me a lesson. It was a lesson in why we should hold onto our sense of fun and play.

‘But we’re adults’ you scream, not children…Children PLAY!

A Spring in your step

freedom-307791_1280Yes, indeed they do, but as I played with my cherub I re-connected with many feelings I had forgotten about and left behind in childhood and it felt good.

I realised too that after having fun and play with our bundle of joy, I felt better. Sometimes I felt renewed and refreshed sometimes more peaceful and at other times I had ideas and felt more creative.

By far and away the biggest benefit I experience and the one that is very, very, very important to me is the deeper connection that takes place when I play with her.        Through our playing together there’s an exchange of affection and love.

Connectedness

girls-462072_1280We dare to look directly into each other’s in eyes and share a mischief or joke, and as we do so we recognise we are connected and that we love another. I am convinced that having fun and playing could help many couples who find themselves becoming distant from the reasons they connected and committed to one another in the first place.

There is a ‘feel good’ factor and the laughter generated (I have since learnt) releases endorphins. These endorphins create that lovely. ‘gooey’ sense of well-being and according to researchers can even relieve pain temporarily.

 

  1. Relaxation & Improved relationships

  • Feeling an increased relaxation after fun and play is another benefit that we, in these times of stress and pressure will most definitely benefit from. I mean when was the last time you ‘REALLY’ felt relaxed after having a good old ‘belly laugh?’ or collapsed in a heap of chuckles and satisfaction in the middle of a game with a friend or your partner or colleague? How much more improved would our communication and relationships be if we gave ourselves permission to have fun and played a little more?
  1. hand-782688_1280Trust and Compassion:

  • Sharing a good laugh with someone, creates increased feelings of trust and connectedness. Not only that the increased connection means improved compassion and ease between two people, This will surely make it easier to discuss those more challenging topics when they DO come up won’t it?
  1. Deeper more effective connection:

  • The greater feelings of compassion will mean there’s an increased effort to understand and be patient with one another and this ease means you’re more likely to come up with a creative solution to any issues you have to deal with. An ideal environment to cultivate whether it be in the home or in the workplace wouldn’t you say?
  1. magic-cube-1167224_1280Creativity and increased Stimulation:

  • We know that having fun and play is vital for successful development in children. But we all (and not just children) learn better if things are ‘fun’ for us to learn. Being more relaxed and playful means we’re better able to absorb information and stimulate our imagination, which means more effective and creative problem solving.
  1. Keeps you YOUNG!

  • When I have fun and play with my granddaughter I feel renewed and less fatigued than before. This I am sure is the same for anyone, so if for no other reason, having fun and playing is like drinking from the fountain of youth. Less wrinkles, more energy and an ever youthful ‘spring in your step!’blindfolded-37705_1280

There is saying attributed to George Bernard Shaw which says:

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.’

Challenges? I’m too busy having fun!

I’m sure if I did some research I’d find a whole host of other benefits and reasons to have fun and play., but I hope that the five I’ve discovered will convince you to make time to play.

toddler-878749_1280Life has its challenges, so why not’ ‘lighten up’ and nurture your inner child. Try it! I assure you, your week, your job, you home life will be better if you inject a little more fun and play into it this week.

Why not give it a go and let me know how you get on?

What have you got to lose?

Blissings & Much love

Insightful Angel

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Motherhood

Happy Mothering Sunday All,

So Cliché…

mother-429158_1280At first I wasn’t going to be so cliché as to talk about motherhood. After all there will be a glut of missives and articles on the subject today. Then I realised I was ‘bucking the trend’ out of a wish to be different and not ‘do as others do.’ A rather pathetic reason for NOT doing anything I decided so here’s my take on and ‘Thank-You’ message to Mothers, those who are in the act of ‘mothering’ and an homage to the state of Motherhood.

Short…but I hope, SWEET

Today’s post will be a short one, for as a mother and grandmother I have more of it to get on with and like you want to really enjoy the legacy of my children & their children.

So… Motherhood.

What does it mean?

balloon-84826_150

Elizabeth Stone seems to quite succinctly express my sentiments on motherhood when she says:

“having a child is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

The thought that forever, my children have some of me my own cells, my DNA, (whether they like it or not), in their body…always is mind-blowing. To know that I carry pieces of them, for an eternity, inside me, wherever I go, is the warmest and most deeply connected feeling in the entire universe and when I look at my children, I know I did something good with my life.

Wrong…wrong…wrong

Each experience of motherhood is unique to the individual, yet if you pay attention to the media and society’s expectations of mothers you’d think there was a set of ‘golden rules,’ a code for us all to follow and if we don’t we are subject to some appalling criticism.

mourning-360500_150So, for much of the time motherhood is fraught and tense. We have daily reminders of how our mothering impacts the life chances and futures of our children. Just last week, in the staffroom, (one of our colleagues is pregnant) we got to discussing how guilty we feel as mothers and no matter how we do it or what we do, it’s never enough or there’s something wrong.

Motherhood is feeling guilty much of the time and carrying a heavy burden of responsibility the rest of it.

There is the perpetual fear of ‘getting it wrong’ even though you know all you can do is:

‘the best you can do!’

From the heart

IMG-20160122-WA0000Motherhood for me has meant having my heart expand to it’s very limits and beyond. Expand to the point where I thought it might burst and yet somehow I found even more love, even more protective instinct, even more nurturing essence and even more strength than I could have ever imagined.

Motherhood means you’re in a constant state of surprise!

mother-434355_1280You are surprised by the number of times you are criticised and vilified, yet all every cell in your being wants to do is encircle the screaming demon who is spitting venom in your arms and love them and let them know it’s alright.

You are surprised by your resilience and strength and overwhelmingly raw, fierce “She-Bear” protective instinct. If you’ve seen the Leonardo Di Caprio film ‘The Revenant,’ then you know what I mean…it’s exactly like that! –

DON’T MESS WITH MY BABIES!

Motherhood means:

  • You are completely taken aback by the fearlessness you find within you as you feign confidence because you know they depend on you and need to feel safe and protected, even though you’re scared stupid!
  • You are amazed by your loving dedication and persistence as oftentimes you are overwhelmed exhausted & confused yet you get up and do it all over again the very next day

love-229977_150

  • You are surprised by your selflessness as you gently encourage them to experience the world and support them to independence even though the thought of it fills you with fear because you know how cruel and unforgiving ‘out there’ can be, but you do it because it’s best for them; even though your fiercest and most powerful instinct is to wrap them up safe and keep them close to you.
  • You are awed by your selflessness, which seems to come so easily.

Motherhood is:

‘Willingly giving up the last piece of the pie even though you’re hungry.’

piece-of-cake-236806_1280

This is some of what motherhood means to me, I’m sure your experience is no less surprising and scary and beautiful. But, regardless of what our differences may be I know that we are is doing:

‘The most wonderfully Human thing we could possibly do.’

Thank you to all our Mothers!

Blissings & Much love!

Insightful Angel

 

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Vulnerability

Happy Sunday All,

This week’s message scares the ‘bejesus’ out of me!

cute-18833_1280The ‘whispering’ last night was the word ‘honesty.’ That’s all I could hear in my mind…’Honesty,’ but on waking this morning and showering I knew it was a message more powerful than that. Vulnerability…  was all I could hear; being laid bare, raw and open is the message I am to bring to you today.

I’m sweating as I write and I can feel the resistance rising within me, but as I contemplate on the word ‘Vulnerability’ and what It is I should write, I realise I risk judgment and ridicule.

Thinking of vulnerability I remembered two experiences that illustrated perfectly how our vulnerability is a powerful connector and touch others far more deeply than simply talking.

A week of two ‘Whispers’

Incident number one was with Year 11 English…

It was a Tuesday, Lesson 1…

During a  quiz I sensed some tension between the groups, two in particular. This competition made me feel uneasy, as it felt more vitriolic and personal, so on Tuesday I mentioned what I’d noticed and went into one of my:

‘This is what I’ve learnt in life speeches…’

  • I launched into how our differences are our beauty and that criticism is cruel and serves no purpose as we all have UNIQUE gifts and our duty is to find them and share them with the world.
  • I revealed my own struggles with criticism as a child and how it’s taken too long for me to find my purpose and how now I’m deeply passionate about getting them to realise this much, much sooner than I, so they can feel fulfilled, happy and ‘right’ and stand in their power for a longer period of their lives.
  • I told them that I do this job because I love being connected to the energy and the beauty and the potential I see in them all and hopefully I can help show their magnificence back to so they can connect with it. And grow in confidence and self.2014-07-05 05.45.18

Instead of being sneered at by a group of cynical 15 & 16 year-olds I noticed them start to smile, some shyly, others more openly; they sat up and sat straighter and some of them actually seemed to light up. By being my usual ‘talk tu much’ open self I had connected far more deeply than I could have hoped. We had pretty good lessons that week…

‘Whisper’ No. 2

whisper-408482_1280The second incident occurred during an assembly. I had a Year 11 form class at the time (15-16 year-olds) if you’re wondering or you’re not in the UK as you read this. An age that can be particularly sneering and disparaging for many; or very painful and isolating for others. I’m a bit of a Mother Hen and like to know they have someone they can come to, but more often than not they don’t because it’s not ‘Cool,’ but I persist knowing that despite the bravado they are fearful and unsure and insecure for the most part as they ‘hatch’ and find their way in life.

I forget sometimes that I often ‘see’ what’s below the surface, all that literary analysis I guess?

One of my form pupils, a young woman, I’d noticed was always alone. She was a lovely girl. Seemed quietly self-assured yet ALWAYS alone, something told me that her aloneness was a shield and that she was ‘holding’ herself in. I somehow sensed a tension in her. So I asked her to sit next to me and just asked if she was alone through choice…

The tension that comes with holding

She began to shake…mildly at first and then the tears started silently streaming down her cheeks. We exited the hall together and sat and talked, she asked why I’d asked that question and I told her about the ‘tension’ I noticed and that I recognised it. The constant ‘holding yourself in’ for fear that you’ll fall apart if you ease up for even a second.

glass-101792_1280

A shattered mirror whose frame is desperately trying to keep the broken pieces in.

 

I recognised that…

I revealed how and why I had been so ‘tense’ as young person a ‘hold it all together’ person constantly unsure of who or what or why I was. I got so used to the holding, that as an adult I never cried and could be very aloof.

There were a lot of tears for her but also a release and a relaxation afterwards. She was grateful and somehow more peaceful, simply because she had been ‘seen’ by someone and through my vulnerability she realised she wasn’t alone, that connection was possible, that someone cared, that she could get help if she needed it.

What I don’t want you to know about me…

You see, we’re all ‘holding’ aren’t we? Even those of us who seem care-free and open are usually ‘hiding’ some part of ourselves, some quality or experience that we feel makes us ‘less than’

What I don’t want you to know about me is that I’m tired…

woman-1043030_1280Not physically tired, (though I am sometimes), but spiritually weak. I’ve tried and tried at this thing called life and I’m afraid I haven’t got it right yet as I haven’t yet created the reality for my life that I see in my visions and in my dreams and it saddens me

What I don’t want you to know about me is that I love teaching, but I know there’s more for me to be and do, more of me to share with the world and I somehow I just can’t seem make it manifest the way it is in my visions. I am doing what I know how to do, but not my passion (it once was) not my DREAM. 

And yet… I also have a ‘knowing’ that the universe knows what it’s doing and that it’s all about divine timing…

The dream

That I dream of connecting with you…ordinary people like me, across the globe, through writing and seminars and speeches; pleading with you to realise faster and sooner than I, that you are AMAZING! That I dream of speaking to others at their very core and helping them to discover their truest truths their highest potential & helping them to step into it.

You see, that is our path to true happiness:

Finding your gifts and sharing them with the world.

motivational-1177436_1280

 

  • What I don’t want you to know about me is that I have failed. Time and time again. I have attempted to do business in so many ways, to create ‘multiple income streams’ in an effort to leave a legacy for my family.
  • What I don’t want you to know about me is I have failed in relationships. I have trusted and been taken advantage of and hurt and trusted again and been ‘shafted’ with money more times than I can count and still I believe what others tell me. Trusting automatically.
  • What I don’t want you to know about me is that I’ve been married (twice) only to learn some painful, deep & powerful lessons and that I’m sometimes afraid that I’m no good and that, though I hope for another partner in life & love, I’ll get it wrong if I get the chance again.
  • What I don’t want you to know about me is I have tried and tried to create a vibrant lifestyle, a life full of travel and freedom and security for the next seven generations of my family.
  • I dream of addressing hundreds of thousands of people, connecting them to their wonder and the best of who they are, helping them discover their beauty and joy. I dream that my children are there, in the front row and are looking up; proud to call me ‘Mum.’

Yet all I have managed to create is a reality that leaves me just one wage slip (pay check) from the street and sometimes I feel as though I’m hanging on to a cliff-side with jagged rocks and broken bottles at the bottom and all that’s keeping me from falling & being lacerated and ripped to bits by them is my fingernails.

Getting to the point

one-way-street-1113973_1280So now we come to the reason for this post. My message, the loop in my head this morning kept saying ‘honesty & vulnerability.’ I know allowing vulnerability is a powerful tool. When coaching others I have always lived by the premise that I cannot get my client to go any deeper to find their answers than I will go myself, as open as I am ready to be.

It is when I ask just that ‘right’ question, that they realise I could only know to ask if I’d been there and in that moment there’s a recognition of someone who ‘GETS THIS,’ who understands what their challenges are.

The revelation produces a deeper more powerful connection between coach and client, immense trust and so leads to some wonderful transformations.

Holding…& holding…& breaking?

children-788782_1280I felt driven today to reach out to those of you, wherever you are who are on the planet today,  who are struggling with life. My wish is to share with you and be exposed…reveal my vulnerability. It’s not some stunt or appeal for sympathy, but a genuine hope that you get that I too am ‘holding’ that we all are and that all those things I am ‘holding,’ my fears, those areas of my life I feel are less than savoury and for which I think I will be judged are also the experiences and the pain and the lessons…the gifts that enable me to share with you.

Life today is challenging and it seems particularly so, why I don’t know, but I hope today, you take my vulnerability and see within it with the message I intended.

A message for us to:

  • Connect with one another.
  • To just let go of the ‘tension’ for a little while.
  • To still the inner voice of judgment, just for a brief moment at least
  • To accept ourselves; failures, issues, foibles and all.
  • To look into the eyes of a stranger, drop the façade and simply reach out and say ‘Hello… how are you today?’
  • To keep on keeping on and know through these words that ‘You are not alone.’

    Blissings & much love

    Insightful Angel

All images sourced from Pixabay

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Valentine

Happy Sunday All,

Valentine’s Day…

valentines-day-1182246_1280This year, Valentine’s day falls on the same day as the Chinese New Year, It’s the anniversary of the George Ferris’s 157th birthday, it’s also the day a famous massacre took place in 1929. In 1945, just after midnight the German city of Dresden was bombed and finally the saint after which the festival is named, ST. Valentine, was executed on this day some time around 270 AD according to historical records.

It’s a day when we express our affection with cards, excesses of chocolate, roses, wine and all manner of tokens.

Valentine’s day is a day of romance, declarations of love and gift giving

Love…

love-1153972_1280 What is it really?

For many of us, love (romantic love, that is); the affection the care; the companionship, the respect; the support, the shared laughter and the faithfulness that we want in our love relationship seem rather elusive.

As you have come to learn, I am a bit of a ruminator. I think deeply about things and as this day of romance approached I got to thinking…

Thoughts on Love & Romance

Don’t get me wrong I’m a great romantic. I luuurve the idea of us loving one another and I love nothing more than the ‘frisson’ and thrill of meeting someone new and getting to know them. The hope and the expectation that maybe this time we have found someone a person we can hope share our life and experiences with, someone we can laugh with and cuddle up with and ‘be ourselves’ with.

But as I contemplated Valentine’s day and the nature of ‘love.’ I realised that in my life and experience I have learnt that the ‘Valentine’ and Romance movie version of love will remain an elusive and distant dream until we recognise what love and loving really means…

5 benefits of learning to love yourself

red-hearts-1182249_1280

No. 1

We cannot give what we don’t yet have ourselves…

Yet so many of us have so little love for who we are, but at the same time we are desperate to have another love us

To truly find love and a love that lives up to our idea of romantic love, we first need to know how to love ourselves…

  • Loving yourself heals every problem you have in life
  • Loving yourself makes you happy
  • Loving yourself improves your health and well-being
  • Loving yourself generates positive energy and that positive energy creates positive experiences.

No. 2

footsteps-390516_1280I have learnt that loving yourself is the pathway to your PEACE & your HAPPINESSWhen you love yourself you feel pretty good most of the time and feeling good all the time means you’re pretty happy.

Even when you have challenges, if you love yourself you respect and honour your strengths, you understand that you can overcome because you know how amazing you’ve been and the wonderful qualities you possessed that helped you deal with your previous challenges.

No. 3

You are enthralled

person-723561_1280As you voyage deeper into self-discovery. You gain a deep-seated appreciation for the YOU that you are. You accept the different parts that make you YOU; The foibles and idiosyncrasies, the embarrassments and peculiarities. You celebrate all parts of you and find yourself walking taller, feeling more peaceful and smiling without having a reason to…

No.4

You let go

Of the need to control or define others. Having a deeper love of yourself makes you to realise that your only purpose is to do just that and that your happiness is YOUR responsibility. You therefore begin to accept that you cannot ‘save’ or create happiness in others, that’s THEIR job. Once we ‘get’ this we begin to let go trying controlling circumstances or the emotions of others and more importantly we let go of…buddha-709861_1280

No. 5

You learn to stop blaming yourself.

Yeah OK, we all have our quirks and habits, our fears and ‘weirdnesses,’ but once you learn to truly love yourself and I mean develop that complete acceptance for who you are in your core; develop the ability to forgive yourself, talk softly and lovingly to yourself as if you would a young child, then you understand that those less than perfect actions you are simply opportunities for you to ‘choose’ again, a lesson in the school of life. You understand that you too are no better or worse than anyone else and that it’s OK to falter or make a mistake, you’re simply learning how to create the ‘you’ you choose to be.

You see once you understand how to LOVE YOU…

Then you are filled up with it.

Full to the brim with it…

Overflowing…

water-984476_1280It is then, when you know how to love you, when you are so full, that you have more than enough to share and still be full, it is then that you know how to replenish any that you do share and you make it your mission to always replenish your reserves first, that you will you truly understand love’s nature.

In this space you will be able to truly honour and respect and love cherish another enough to share the best of YOU

So from today…

Make it your mission to truly learn how to understand, honour, accept and deeply appreciate all of yourself; without condition.

Learn to do this and you’ll know instinctively how to do so with the one you choose to share your life with and between you you’ll create magic!

vintage-1171961_1280Happy Valentine’s Day!

Blissings & Much love

Insightful Angel

 

 

 

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Birthdays

Happy Sunday All,

7th February 1965. It was a Sunday.

I like to think that there were bluebirds singing and the sun was shining, you know à la Snow White, but I doubt that was the case.

In fact the historical forecast says it was:

“Dull, rather cold and very dry”

So, not the Fairy-tale entrance I would have hoped for

Birthdays

Screen Shot 2016-02-07 at 01.58.48I have always loved birthdays.

On your birthday, though you may be shy or uncertain how to receive it, the one thing you are allowed to get and like receiving on this day in particular – is attention.

But for me it’s been much more than that and always has been.

I have always had a sense of the spiritual and revered birthdays even as a young child. I didn’t know why then, but I guess it’s because birthdays, much like New Year’s Day often cause us to become contemplative.

More importantly I have always felt that birthdays are an opportunity for me at least, to start anew and change what I may not have liked in the previous year.

I believe that we are precious; each and every one of us.

The wonder that is YOU !vipassana-997076_1280When I look into the wonder that is the face of my grandchild and I feel the overwhelming joy she brings and the immense gratitude that showers when I think of how I have been so blissed and graced with the beauty of her soul.

I am awed…

I am awed because I realise, I too was and still am SO wonderful…

So too are YOU!

I am awed by the trust her soul has placed in me, by choosing me to be her guardian and her ‘Ya Ya.’

The day she was born was unreal…

I relived the heightened, intense and deeply emotional rush of love, protectiveness and sheer unadulterated joy that I’d experienced with the birth of her mother before her and her mother’s siblings.

It confirmed what I think I instinctively knew as a child and why I have always revered birthdays and made an effort to celebrate them.

It confirmed to me, that with birth we get to truly touch and be reminded of our connectedness to all…

Limitless

face-636095_1280The intensity of birth (and I have no doubt of our soul’s passing), is electrifying and that surge of loving energy reminds us (or me at least) that we are more that just the skin and bone shell we inhabit and that we are limitless!

So, today especially, whether or not we are celebrating birthdays or not; We can try and remind ourselves every day.

 

This is my new mantra… Why not make it yours too?

  • I will remember my connection to all there is
  • I will remember I am love and kindness and compassion embodied if I so choose
  • I will remember I am infinite
  • I will remember to forgive myself and others for perceived failings
  • I will get up, and get on with living
  • I will be gentle with myself and talk to myself as I would my granddaughter
  • I will try again
  • I will step up to myself and shine my LIGHT!

Why not watch me shine this day…the anniversary of my birth: See me Step up into my destiny and shine my LIGHT

Blissings & Much love

Insightful Angel

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Criticism II

Happy Sunday All,

Whether we know it or not criticism has a ripple effect that permeates far wider and hurts at a far deeper level than we could ever imagine.

shame-799095_1280 Two weeks ago I first wrote about criticism and it’s effects on the individual and the psyche, how it warps the individuals perspective of life and lowers both their self-esteem and the value they place on themselves.

I DID promise to go further last week but ‘New-grandmamma-babysitting-duties’ took precedence, so this Sunday I’m making good on that promise and outlining how, in my view, criticism has a toxic effect for the wider society and not just the perpetrator or the victim.

Energy

energy-1101474_1280If you’re a regular reader of my blog you’ll know that I believe wholeheartedly that we are connected.

We and the energy we generate connects us to each and every other living thing; to the planet; to the beasts in the field; the birds in the air; the smallest shoots and the mightiest of trees.

If we are connected to everything then it stands to reason that that energy has the ability to cause a reaction in others; everything affects everything else; from the atmosphere and other living things on the planet, to other people and animals. So, not only is criticism toxic for the individual, but for everything that has been infused with a living spirit.

Who’s the real issue here, honey?

When we throw negativity out at another person, those people who are aware and practise non-judgement instinctively know that the ‘critic’ is usually pointing the finger at himself or herself.

index-315754_150People who are critical, judgemental or who can’t help but make derogatory comments are doing so because of their feelings of inadequacy. Often the very thing they’re criticising others for is an issue they may be wrestling with inside themselves. It’s an attempt to make others feel less worthy because they themselves are unsure of their own value and intrinsic worth, they are wrestling with issues and negative thoughts and feelings about themselves, that in fact, have nothing to do with the other person. It’s a defence mechanism a way of avoiding dealing with their own hurt or what they see as their own failings.

The critic is in fact bellowing to the whole world that they feel imbalanced and not in harmony with themselves or the world around them. They are operating from a place of ‘Self-Centredness’ not place which is ‘Centred’ in the self.

On being Centred

buddha-709861_1280If you’ve ever met a person who was centered you know that they have no need to criticise others. They know and feel their intrinsic worth and value and so acknowledge this to be true for and in others too! The critic speaks from the ‘EGO’ and looks out for number one at all times.

A being that is centred respects and honours & loves themselves and by so doing recognises that others have the right to love, honour and respect themselves too, but more importantly they KNOW that by sending out love, honour and respect, regardless of if they will have it returned to them or not; it just FEELS good when you do. So from a purely selfish perspective, let’s practise loving, honouring and respecting whenever we possibly can.

Be forgiving…people make mistakes. Why focus your energy outward and in a negative manner. Criticising won’t make it better and could, no WILL, make a situation worse, as you give away your energy and your power to a situation or persons, who in your eyes are not operating as you think they should be.

The Universal Consciousness

If what you send out you get back then…WHOAH! You do the calculations

Throwing negative energy into the universe can only serve to continually create situations of challenge and frustration for you as you send a clear message to the universe that challenge and frustration are where you are prepared to put your focus and energy.

Let’s talk vibrations for a minute…

If any of you have a pet, or children, you know that you don’t even have to utter a word and they will react to your vibration whether it’s negative or positive…

banner-1093905_1280Your poor pet Chihuahua will start to shake and cower as you slam the door after a hard day at work, or your Labrador bounds up to you excitedly, tail wagging and tongue hanging out in glee as your tone of voice alone, indicates you’re in an upbeat and happy space as you come in.

Yeah bad things happen…yes others do things differently to you…yes people make mistakes, but are you going to continue to add to that negative vibration or are you going to commit to raising your vibration, the vibration of others and the vibration of the planet?

What could possibly be the benefit of you choosing words of criticism and dissent? How can we hope to uplift the planet, our existence and our connection to one another if we choose to tear down and not uplift?

Begetting

Anger begets more anger and violence begets violence and criticism and dissent beget more criticism and dissent, so why bother creating more of what YOU DON’T WANT adding to and increasing the pain and suffering, that I think you’ll agree we have enough of in the world?

I love Rumi and one of his quotes that has always resonated with me is:

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”

waves-circles-285359_1280

So the next time you feel like railing against another person or putting your energy into criticism or complaint then remember that that energy will radiate out and you, as a ‘drop,’ may also be the recipient of that very same energy… 

Blissings and much love

Insightful Angel

 

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More YOU

Happy Sunday All,

Earlier in the week I began to consider what `I should write about today.’ I began to think that as this would be my first communication of 2016 that it should be some deeply profound statement about the human condition or some revelatory insight that immediately resonates with hundreds of thousands of others across the globe.

It then occurred to me that those thoughts were profoundly arrogant of me. I am by no means a Guru, nor would I want to be one. I share because I believe wholeheartedly that as we walk this Earth we are here to

LEARN & CONNECT

skydiving-658404_1280This life we are experiencing is our University.

What I know too is that I have learned some lessons in my brief time here. I know also that my experience (s) are not unique; that others are experiencing some of the life stages, events and challenges I have already passed through and so I share them (connect) in whatever way I can.

I share more ME, so you can find more YOU

– Thank goodness for the Internet eh?

  1. I share in the hope that the lessons I have learned will bring comfort or insight or awareness or whatever it takes for just ONE person to realise their infinite beauty and potential and power.
  1. I share in the hope that just ONE of you to come to the realisation that your very ‘being’ means that you are perfectly who you should be and that who you are right here now, is exactly who you are meant to be and where you are meant to be.
  1. I share in the hope that just ONE of you understand that if your reality FEELS uncomfortable, undesirable or challenging then you have the power and the will and the right to change it, if that is what you want, at any time.

In search of MY-self

encourage-866765_1280One of the most painful periods of my life was the period from about 33 years old to about 45 years. This was the period when I had no option but to become a seeker; a seeker of my truth, a seeker of the ‘real’ me; a seeker of whatever this life is meant to mean.

Life and the pursuit of all the ‘right’ things still hadn’t placed me in a space of contentment or peace and I knew I had to find anther way of living, of expressing. I had to find a way to be the ‘true’ me. I had to find the answer to life, love and everything and what that means for me.

I can’t say I have found IT yet – a definitive, one phrase or one word answer or a definitive ‘way’ of being to explain the meaning of everything, I’m not sure there is ONE, but:

  • I HAVE come to understand that it’s all OK and if it isn’t, I have the right to change it. I have found a ‘tru-er’ me who I feel is on the right path to finding the kind of life and peace that is right for me.

So this is what I’d like to ask you to focus on.

This is my message to you at the start of 2016

My wish is for you to find:

THE TRUE YOU

From about 5 or 6 years of age to about 33 years I was blissful unaware that I was in pain. During that time; the time when I became aware of me as a distinct and separate ‘self’ to the time when I knew this way of thinking wasn’t working for me and that there ‘had to be more to life than this!’ was a time of sleepwalking. I was doing what I ‘thought’ were the right things to do to be happy, to have approval, to gain recognition. None of them had worked.

hands-423794_1280

 

And so the inevitable happened and I had to ask ‘Is there more to life than this?’ For me at that time, at 33 years old, the answer was ‘YES.’ And so I began to take steps to find out what that ‘YES’ meant for me.

Getting closer?

Over a decade later I know that happiness, contentment and peace come from being more YOU; from finding out what is true for YOU and living it, being it, feeling it teaching it, expressing it

Stepping up to life can be fearful...What's next?
Stepping up to life can be fearful…What’s next?

How the hell does one know what IS true? You ask.

Well, as I said before, all I can do is share what I have learnt in my time in this University and what I have learnt about finding out what is right for YOU is simple and is two-fold.

  1. You have the knowledge and the insights already you just need to tune into them
  2. They are indicated by how you feel – NOT what you think.

Any experience, any meeting of minds, any work or creative endeavour, any place or thought, any idea or book or insight; anything you undertake that makes you feel joy, expansion, stillness, that makes you laugh or cry with happiness, that creates a deeper compassion and love for yourself and/or                                                                                  others, that simply makes you smile…

Is a something or someone who will lead you to becoming more YOU and so to your truth.

Finding YOUR truth is where your happiness, your contentment and your bliss lay.

So if I have anything to impart for 2016, it would be to resolve to become more YOU.

Follow your bliss

Follow and seek expansion and feel good feelings, follow light and heat and rain and snow, if they are what make you feel good. Follow laughter and creativity or physics or road sweeping. Follow reading or children or whatever induces feelings within you of being more settled in your own skin… More YOU.

In so doing you find your way and step into the ‘MORE THAN THIS.’ You’re reaching for.

Blissings and much love

Insightful Angel

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